10 Awkward Things About Me
EMBARRASSED INTO ENLIGHTENMENT
Hello, my name is "Lee", and before I get into the "Embarrassing Stories" that you came here for I should probably tell you a little bit about myself.
Unfortunately, introducing myself to new people is one of the most difficult things for me to do (and it usually ends up resulting in an embarrassing story) so instead of a typical introduction I simply put together a list of 10 things about me that will help you to better understand me and my stories...
1. I have "Bladder Shyness" and am not able to go to the bathroom without an unusual amount of privacy. (When I was a kid I would have to ask my parents to go outside the house for 10 minutes anytime I had to use the bathroom, or I would simply go in the woods since we lived in the country and have to ask my parents to bring the family dog inside the house so it couldn't follow me and watch!)
2. I am so "Camera Shy" that if someone pulls out a camera it is just as scary as if they pulled out a gun! (As a matter of fact, if someone wanted to rob me they could just point a camera at me and threaten to take my picture and post it on-line, because in my eyes my life would be over if they did that!)
3. I "Melophobia" (a fear of music) but I actually love music but am way too afraid to tell anyone what kind of music I listen to. (In fact, my biggest fear about death is that when I die someone will go through my personal belongings and discover my music collection, and I will have to spend eternity rolling over in my grave out of embarrassment!)
4. I am very "Easily Startled" and anyone who knows me knows that if they want to approach me they have to do it very carefully because I am so introverted that the slightest external disturbance (such as a knock at the door or a tap on the shoulder) when I am in the middle of talking to myself or daydreaming can cause me to react the same way that a normal person would react if they got an electrical shock of 10,000 volts!
5. I have "Social Anxiety Disorder" and avoid going out in public as much as possible.
If I have to leave my house and I am walking down the street I will be constantly looking around to monitor my surroundings, and if I look ahead and see another person approaching me I will immediately cross the street to avoid them. And if I can't cross the street due to traffic (or because there is someone on the other side of the street as well) I will have to turn around and find another way to my destination, and sometimes it takes me an hour to walk somewhere that would only take a normal person 10 minutes to walk to because of all the detours I end up having to take.
It's not that I fear or dislike people, but when I come into close contact with another person on the street I basically have 2 options. I can either act like they are invisible and pretend that I don't see them. (Which in most situations can be very hard to convincingly pull off.) Or I can force myself to smile or say "Hello" to them. (Which might lead to them wanting to make "small talk" with me, which is something that I dread so much that I would rather spend an extra hour walking around than have to endure even a minute of it!)
And I can't go into large stores like "Walmart" because they have a "Greeter" at the front door who actually gets paid to make small talk with people as they enter and exit the building!
6. I have "Telephonophobia" (a strong phobia of telephones) and although ALL forms of public speaking scare me, there is something about talking on a phone that is especially difficult for me.
If I have to make a phone call to someone who I don't know (like if I am calling to schedule a dental appointment) the person who answers the phone will usually assume that I'm a woman due to my shy and soft-spoken voice, and will say something like, "Thank you for calling Ma'am, can I have your name please?" and I will end up having to make up a fake name like "Mary" and pretend that I am scheduling an appointment for my husband just to avoid the awkwardness of telling the person that I'm actually a man.
And if I'm talking to someone who I actually know on the phone (like my mom) there can sometimes be these really long moments of awkward silence when we run out of things to talk about and neither of us can think of what to say next, and just like the people who spend time in the "The World's Quietest Room" will eventually start to freak out and even hallucinate due to the uncomfortable silence that they are experiencing, being caught in the "void" of awkward silence during a phone call with a loved one can have a similar effect on me!
7. I have "Vehophobia" (a fear of driving or even riding in a car) and I actually had a car for 10 years in my youth but I ended up putting less miles on it than the average person would in only 1 year because of how uncomfortable driving would make me...
"Road Rage" is a well known phenomenon because being on the road can induce intense anger in a lot of drivers, but for people like myself being on the road can induce intense awkwardness, and below are a few examples of things that would make me experience "Road Cringe"...
- When I would get stuck behind a slow moving vehicle that was a smaller than mine and worry that the impatient drivers behind me who were honking wouldn't be able to see the smaller vehicle in front of me and would think that the slow traffic was all my fault.
- When I would be sitting at a red light for a long time and although I would keep looking straight ahead I felt confident that if I suddenly turned and looked at the other car beside me the other driver would be starring at me.
- When I would be approaching a "4-Way Stop" and notice that me and another car were going to arrive at the exact same time, so to avoid any awkwardness I would purposely slow way down so they would get there first and be gone before I got there, but when they would get to the stop they would just stay there which would make me start silently screaming in my head, "No, No, No!!! Please Just Go!!! Don't Do This To Me!!!" and then when I got there they would wave for me to go ahead and go first. (Leaving me with no choice but to interact with them by giving a fake smile and a wave to show my "appreciation".)
8. I get asked a lot if I'm a "Monk" because I shave my head, I wear plain clothing, and I live as a "hermit", but the truth is that I'm not really a monk, and I just kind of look and act like one...
- The reason I started shaving my head bald was because I was starting to develop "Male Pattern Baldness" and I decided to just shave everything to hide it.
- The reason I wear plain clothing is because time has shown that ALL fashion trends will ultimately become embarrassing.
For example, back when I was a kid if you saw a big biker dude with a mullet walking down the street and he was wearing a leather jacket, leather pants, and a diamond studded leather dog collar you would instantly feel terrified and want to run for your life, but now-a-days if a man walked down the street looking like that even little kids would be laughing at him!
I don't get out much and therefore I don't know what is currently considered "in style" or "out of style" so I just stick with plain and modest clothing to avoid bringing any unwanted attention to myself.
- The reason that I am a "hermit" is because I have a lot of insecurities and when I am in public I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me.
Sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror I will like what I see, and will actually start to think that I am a good looking guy, but then I remember that when you look in a mirror you are actually seeing what you look like backwards. (If you wear a shirt with writing on it you will notice that in the mirror the letters are all backwards and weird looking, so sometimes I worry that maybe I look good backwards, but when I'm not backwards I look really weird.)
9. I suffer greatly from "Secondhand Embarrassment Syndrome". (When seeing someone else get embarrassed or make a fool of themself makes you "cringe" and feel embarrassed as well.)
Because I know so well what it feels like to be embarrassed it is like an "Out Of Body Experience" for me when I see other people get embarrassed. It feels as if I actually become that person, and I can even transcend space and time and experience an infinite number of embarrassing possibilities...
For example, when "YouTube" first started I clicked on a video called "The Greatest Video You Will Ever See" and in the video there was a baseball game going on at a big stadium with a big screen monitor at the top of the stadium that suddenly focused on a single woman in the crowd.
When the woman looked up and realized that she was on the big screen she looked around in confusion and wondered what was going on, and then the man next to her got down on one knee and everyone in the crowd started cheering.
I quickly panicked and turned the off the video, but it was too late...
- I suddenly became the man who was proposing and she said "No" to me in front of everyone. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life, and for the rest of my life I would instantly cringe any time I thought about the incident.
- I then became the woman who was being proposed to and I liked the man who was proposing to me, but I didn't like him THAT much, and I couldn't believe that he would put me in a situation like this publicly in front of all these strangers. I didn't want to say "Yes", but I was too embarrassed to say "No" due to the "entrapment" that he had subjected me to, so I reluctantly said "Yes" and for the rest of my life I would instantly cringe any time I thought about the incident.
- I then became both the man and the woman happily married and united as "One". (For 6 years, 2 months, and 11 days that is) We loved each other but our love slowly faded away, and it eventually got to the point where we could no longer be able to be in the same room together without feeling uncomfortable, so we decide to get divorced and go our own separate ways again.
But even though we were "separated" we both still lived in the same town and we would sometimes be unexpectedly "reunited" with each other at the grocery store or at some other random place in public, and each time this would happen it would become more and more awkward. (And it eventually got to the point where it would be extremely awkward and "cringeworthy" just to run into a relative, a friend, or a co-worker of our ex-lover in public!)
I then snapped out of the vision and became myself again and I came up with the affirmation, "Other people's love life's are none of my business and I like it that way".
So please do not invite me to your wedding or try to introduce me to your new boyfriend or new girlfriend, because I know that if you introduce me to someone when you are in love with them and then you end up breaking up with them someday it will be really awkward for me and for them if I ever run into them again in the future.
10. I am an "Artist" and my desire to hide and not be looked at is balanced by an equal desire to express myself creatively.
They say that "All Life Is A Stage" and this is true in the sense that it doesn't matter whether you are going to work, to school, to church, or even to your own wedding or funeral, you will be required to wear a "costume" and stay in "character" if you wish to have a role in the "real world".
Because of this I usually only make small "cameo appearances" in the real world and I try to be a quiet "extra" in the background that goes completely unnoticed. However, years ago I discovered that when I agreed to come to Earth and play the part of "Lee" there was a stipulation in my contract giving me full "creative control" over my character and every once in a while I will use this power to bring some much needed humor to the human drama.
READ MY EMBARRASSING STORIES