EMBARRASSED INTO ENLIGHTENMENT
"EMBARRASSED OUT OF A DRUG TEST"
When I turned 18 the time had come for me to find a job so I could move out of my parent's house and go out into the "real
world". I had been nervous about this day for as far back as I could remember, but I was also very excited about the thought
of making money and someday having a big house, a nice car and all that good stuff, (plus it would be embarrassing to be an
adult and still live at home with my parents) so I decided to do some "job hunting" and found out that there was a new mall
that was opening up and they were inviting everyone interested in a job to show up on October 11th to apply and I decided to
go for it.
About 100 people showed up to apply. They had us all fill out applications and watch some employee training videos and I
was actually handling the situation fairly well until they announced that everyone would be required to take a drug test before
we left by peeing into a cup. When they announced this at least 10 of the other people that showed up immediately stood up
and walked out because they knew that there was no way that they would pass a drug test and I almost got up and walked
out too... But not because I was on drugs (I had never taken a drug in my life.) but because I have "Bladder Shyness" and I
was worried that I wouldn't be able to pee in a cup.
When it was time to do the drug testing they had us all go into a big room with a small bathroom attached to it and one by one
they would call someone's name and when they called your name you would have to go up to the bathroom where a man
standing outside the bathroom would give you a cup, then you would go in the bathroom and pee in a cup, then come back
out and give the cup back to the man and he would write your name on the cup.
When they called my name I nervously went over to get my cup, went in the bathroom and tried to pee into the cup but I
couldn't do it. I tried and tried but nothing would happen. It was simply too difficult for me to pee on command when I knew
that there were a bunch of people right outside the door who were waiting for me to finish.
The thought of going back out there with an empty cup was terrifying to me so I resorted to every trick I could think of to
make myself pee. I turned the sink on to mimic the look and sound of urination, I tried to imagine a waterfall, I put my free
hand just below my belly button and started finger drumming over my bladder while silently humming to create some epic
"theme music" for the urine to come out to, but none of this was working, so I put my hand in the sink and starting running
some warm water over it and finally after what seemed like an eternity I actually started to pee into the cup. I was so relieved
that I was actually able to do it and that I wasn't going to have to go out there and tell them that I "couldn't go", but then just as
the cup was almost full there was a sudden and loud knock at the door that caused my kidneys to instantly tense up and stop
flowing and startled me so bad that I dropped the cup and spilled it all over my pants...
"Are you OK in there buddy?" the man at the door shouted.
"Ugh............ yeah............I'll be out in a minute." I shouted back nervously.
I then heard all the people outside the door start giggling about it.
In a panic I went to the electric hand dryer to dry off my pants but it occurred to me that due to the lack of sound proofing
that this bathroom provided everyone outside would definitely hear me using the blow dryer and would assume that it meant
that I was finished and would be coming out the door any moment and if I then took another minute or two to pee in the cup
again the people would get frustrated and be thinking, "What is he doing now fixing his hair?" so I decided that I better dry off
my pants last and pee in the cup again first.
I bent down to pick up the cup when it suddenly occurred to me that the lid was missing. I didn't remember if I had set it
down somewhere or if I was holding it and had dropped it when the man pounded on the door, but I looked all over the
bathroom and couldn't find it anywhere. (It was in my pocket, but just like a person who is late for work is unable to find their
keys due to being so overwhelmed with stress, my short-term memory and ability to concentrate was severely impaired due to
how paranoid and stressed out that I was.) I imagined that the man at the door would surely have some extra lids, but I also
imagined that he would be very upset or at the very least confused and would yell, "What do you mean you lost the lid?" in
front of everyone and everyone would laugh at me. (Except for the people who were doing the hiring who would probably
view the fact that I lost the lid to my urine sample as a good reason NOT to hire me.)
Going back out there without a lid actually sounded more embarrassing than going out there with an empty cup and the
thought of going out there with an empty cup AND without a lid was mortifying so I realized that if I hoped to get out of this
one with even an ounce of dignity I had better calm down and just pee in the cup again so I took a deep breath, closed my
eyes and attempted to pee in the cup but I was simply too tense and the tension only grew as I started to hear people talking
about me outside the door and this time it wasn't my imagination...
"What's taking this guy so long?"
"What is he doing in there?"
"He has been in there forever!"
And then I heard a comment that would haunt me for years to come. A woman (who judging by her voice was middle aged
and had smoked a lot of cigarettes over the years) joked, "Any man that needs more than a minute to pee in a cup can't find
the little guy!" which made everyone burst out laughing hard.
When she said it I cringed so bad that I almost feinted and had to grab onto the sink to avoid falling, then the man pounded on
the door again and I turned to face the door and opened my mouth but I completely froze up and couldn't speak. Then he
pounded again and again and louder and louder and I was so frightened and unsure what to do that I got on my hands and
knees, crawled under the sink, and put my hands over my head like they teach you to do at school during a tornado, an earth
quake, or a hurricane and tried to take comfort in the words of wisdom that... "No Storm Lasts Forever".
Because I was non-responsive they ended up calling 911 and the police came and had to take the door down to get me out.
Needless to say I didn't get the job and it was such a humiliating experience that I didn't even bother searching for another job
since all of them seemed to require you to take a drug test.
Fortunately I was just the right age to join the ARMY and it would have made my father who had severed in the ARMY
really proud if I joined and with no other options I decided to enlist and they said that they really needed "bodies" and would
gladly take me and that all I had to do before I could join was simply go to a doctor and pass a physical examination first...
And well, let's just say that if half of the things that I've heard about getting a "physical" are true there is no way that someone
as shy as me could ever get one so I didn't join the ARMY either.
My parents were nice enough to let me continue to live with them, but I didn't want them to view me as a "burden" or deal
with their friends coming over and seeing that I still lived there so instead of living in the house with them I cleaned out an old
tool shed on the property that hadn't been used for years and turned it into my living space and in exchange for food I would
work for 4 hours a day doing outdoor labor for them and the rest of the time I would spend alone in my living space (or my
"cave" as my mom would always call it.) Over time I started to enjoy living this way, but part of me still desired to be
"independent" and move away someday. I just didn't know how to do it.
Then one day when I was 25 years old a cousin of mine showed up at my parents house looking for me and he told me that
he needed me to help him pass a drug test. I wasn't sure what he meant but he explained that he was applying for a job but he
smoked marijuana and just needed some of my "clean urine" to pass the drug test. He then showed me a device that he had
purchased that allows you to hide a bag of "clean urine" under your clothing with a small emptying tube that can be pulled out
through the zipper of your pants and conveniently poured into a cup during a drug test. I said "Yes" and he passed his drug
test using my urine and got a job so I asked him if he would let me borrow the device so I could pass a drug test as well and
finally get a job and he let me use it and it worked! I was actually able to get several jobs over the years using this device.
I might be the only person in history who ever used their own urine to cheat on a drug test, but I have "Bladder Shyness"...