Embarrassed Out Of A Drug Test
EMBARRASSED INTO ENLIGHTENMENT
"EMBARRASSED OUT OF A DRUG TEST"
Once I became an adult and was out of school the time had come for me to find a job.
I had been nervous about this day for as far back as I could remember, but I was also very excited about the thought of making money and someday having a big house, a nice car and and a family of my own. (Plus it was super embarrassing back then to be an adult and still be living at home with your parents!)
I did some "job hunting" and found out that there was a new mall that was opening up and they were inviting everyone who was interested in working there to show up on June 30th to apply so I decided to go to it.
Over 100 people showed up that day wanting a job and we had to fill out applications and watch some employee training videos, and I was actually handling the situation fairly well until they announced that everyone would be required to take a drug test by peeing into a cup.
When they announced the drug test at least a dozen people immediately stood up and walked out because they knew that there was no way that they would pass a drug test, and I almost got up and walked out too, but not because I was on drugs (I had never taken a drug in my life) but because I have "Bladder Shyness" and I was worried that I would have trouble peeing into a cup!
When it was time to do the drug testing they had us all go into a big room with a small bathroom attached to it, and one by one they would call someone's name. When they called your name you would have to walk up to the bathroom where a large man who was standing outside of the bathroom would give you a cup and then you would go in the bathroom, pee in a cup, come back out, and give the cup back to him.
When they called my name I nervously walked over to the man and got my cup, I went in the bathroom, and I tried to pee into the cup but I couldn't do it!
I tried and tried but nothing would happen. It was simply too difficult for me to pee on command when I knew that there were a bunch of people right outside the door who were waiting for me to finish.
The thought of going back out there with an empty cup was terrifying to me so I resorted to every trick I could think of to make myself pee...
- I turned the sink on to mimic the sound of urination.
- I tried to imagine a waterfall.
- I put my free hand just below my belly button and started finger drumming over my bladder while silently humming to create some "theme music" for the urine to come out to.
But none of this was helping, so I put my hand in the sink and starting running some warm water over it and finally after what seemed like an eternity I actually started to pee...
I was so relieved that I was actually able to do it and that I wasn't going to have to go out there and tell the man that I "couldn't go", but then just as the cup was almost full there was a sudden and loud knock at the door which startled me so bad that I dropped the cup and spilled it all over my pants!
I then heard the man from behind the door yell...
"ARE YOU OK IN THERE BUDDY???"
I then shouted back nervously...
I then heard all the people outside the door start giggling about it.
In a panic I went to the electric hand dryer to dry off my pants but it occurred to me that due to the lack of sound proofing that this bathroom provided everyone would definitely hear me using the blow dryer and would assume that it meant that I was finally finished and would be coming out the door at any moment. So if I then took another minute or two to pee in the cup again after using the blow drier the people would probably get frustrated and be thinking, "What is he doing now, fixing his hair or something?" so I decided that I better dry off my pants last and pee in the cup again first.
I then bent down to pick up the cup and it suddenly occurred to me that the lid was missing.
I couldn't remember if I had set the lid down somewhere or if I was holding it and had dropped it when the man pounded on the door and scared me, but I looked all over the bathroom for it and couldn't find it anywhere! (It was in my pocket, but just like a man who is late for work and can't find his car keys even though they are in his pocket, my short term was severely impaired due to how stressed out I was in that moment!)
I imagined that the man at the door would surely have some extra lids, but I also imagined that he would be very upset or at the very least confused and would yell, "What do you mean you lost the lid???" in front of everyone. (And it would probably make the people who were actually doing the hiring think that I was completely incompetent and not worth hiring.)
Going back out there without any urine AND without a lid was mortifying and to make matters worse I started to hear all of the people outside the door talking about me and this time it wasn't my imagination...
"What's taking this guy so long?"
"What is he doing in there?"
"He has been in there forever!"
And then I heard a comment that would haunt me for the rest of my life...
A woman (who judging by her voice was middle aged and smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day) said...
"Any man who needs this much time to pee in a cup can't find the little guy!"
As soon as she said it everyone burst out laughing so hard that I literally became crippled with embarrassment!
The man pounded on the door again and I tried to open my mouth but I couldn't speak due to how embarrassed I was. So he pounded again and again and louder and louder, and I was so frightened and unsure what to do that I got on my hands and knees, I crawled under the sink and put my hands over my head like they teach you to do at school during a tornado drill, and I tried to take comfort in the words of wisdom that "No Storm Lasts Forever".
Because I was non-responsive they ended up calling 911 and the police came and had to take the door down just to get me out! Needless to say I didn't get the job and it was such a humiliating experience that I didn't even bother to search for another job since all of them seemed to require you to take a drug test.
I was just the right age to join the ARMY and it would have made my father (who had served in the ARMY) really proud if I joined, so I decided to go for it since it seemed to be my only option. When I went to enlist the man at the desk told me that they really needed "bodies" and that they would gladly take me since I didn't have a criminal record and I was clearly strong and healthy.
But then he told me that before I could join I had to go to a doctor and pass a physical examination first, and... well... let's just say that if half of the things that I've heard about getting a "physical" are true there is no way that someone as shy as me could ever get one, so I couldn't join the ARMY either.
Then one day after years of being unemployeed and living with my parents a cousin of mine named "David" showed up at my parents house looking for me and he told me that he needed me to help him pass a drug test.
I wasn't sure what he meant so he explained that he was applying for a job but he smoked marijuana and needed some of my "clean urine" to pass the drug test. He then showed me a device that he had purchased that allows you to hide a bag of "clean urine" under your clothing and that came with a small emptying tube that can be pulled out through the zipper of your pants and conveniently poured into a cup during a drug test.
I let him have some of my urine and he passed his drug test with it, so in exchange I asked him to let me borrow the device so I could hide some of my urine under my clothing and pass a drug test too, and I was able to get a job at "Walmart" using the device!
I might be the only person in history who has ever used their own urine to cheat on a drug test, but I have "Bladder Shyness" and it was the only way I could pass the test!
READ MORE OF MY EMBARRASSING STORIES