Embarrassed Out of Church
EMBARRASSED INTO ENLIGHTENMENT

"EMBARRASSED OUT OF CHURCH"


By
Jared Six


"A really religious upbringing ends up causing some really embarrassing things to happen to a young boy, and forces him to have to come up with a less embarrassing belief about life and his place in the universe..."



1.
"JUDGEMENT DAY"

When I was a kid, my dad used to tell me that on "Judgement Day" everyone who ever lived was going to come together in a giant movie theater, and one-by-one everyone's entire life from start to finish would be played on the big screen for everyone to see.

And he said that every single thing that we ever did in life would be revealed to everyone. (All the good things we ever did, all the bad things we ever did, and "everything in between".)

What scared me most about this scenario was the "everything in between" part.

I mean, I had never committed any of the major sins like murder, adultery, or blasphemy, and I went to church on Sundays and thought that I was a good person, but there were a lot of things that I did on a daily basis that I would be embarrassed to do in front of other people. (Much less in front of everyone who ever lived!)

So whenever I would change my clothes, use the bathroom, or bathe during my childhood years, I would always turn the lights off and do it in the dark. (That way, when my life was shown on "Judgement Day", everyone wouldn't be able to see me naked, and... well..."judge" me.)

Because of this belief about "Judgement Day", I ended up developing such a strong phobia of being seen naked, that when my grandpa had to be moved into an "assisted living facility" due to his health getting so bad that he could no longer change his clothes, use the bathroom, or bathe without someone helping him do it, I instantly became the "health nut" in my family, because of how scared I was of that happening to me someday!



2.
"A SHELTERED CHILDHOOD"

I grew up with parents who were really religious. (They were "Mormons" to be specific.) And they went out of their way to shelter me from a lot of things in my youth.

We had a TV when I was a kid, but we only had one channel (The PBS Channel) so the only TV shows I ever saw as a kid were shows like "Sesame Street" and "Mr. Rogers Neighborhood".

We also owned several movies, but the only movies that were allowed in our house were "family friendly" ones like "101 Dalmatians", "The Wizard of Oz", and "Star Wars".

And before I could watch a movie, my parents would watch it by themselves first, and if there was anything even remotely "sexual" or "vulgar" in the movie, they would edit it out by setting up 2 VCR players and putting the original film in one VCR and a blank VCR tape in the other, and then they would make a special edited copy of the movie with all of the parts that they didn't want me to see left out.

We lived on a farm that was way out in the country, and where neighbors lived miles apart from each other, and other than going to church on Sundays we almost never left the farm. (We grew most of our own food, my dad was really good at building and fixing things, my mom did all of the cooking, and she also made most of our clothes, so we were a very self-sufficient family.)

My parents also "home schooled" me, because they didn't agree with some of the things that they teach in public schools, and because of how worried they were that "Non-Mormon" kids would have a bad influence on me.

So I didn't have any real friends growing up, but I actually liked the way I was raised...

Our property had over 600 acres of forests which I was free to explore, and I was scared of people anyways, so I was happy to spend my childhood alone and in the wilderness.

But then one day when I was 15 years old, a mysterious black car drove up to our house...

Our driveway was literally 8 miles long, and it was an unpaved dirt road that was full of holes and dangerously steep hills, so it was extremely rare that a stranger would just show up at our house unexpectedly.

It would always terrify me to see an unknown car slowly coming up our long and treacherous driveway, because anyone who would dare to try to drive up it would almost have to be "crazy".

We also lived so deep in the country that it would take the police at least an hour to show up if we had to call them, and my dad would even get his shotgun whenever we heard the sound of a car coming up our driveway just to be safe.

So an unknown car coming up our driveway was the ultimate "Stranger Danger" for me as a kid!

As the unknown car got closer, I ran and hid in the house while my parents went outside to see who it was and what they wanted, and I watched through the window as 2 men and a woman who were all wearing business suits got out of the car and informed my parents that they could no longer "home school" me.

I remember that the woman seemed really upset and kept saying that the way that I was being raised was "child abuse", and she asked my parents how they expected me to ever be able to face the "real world" as an adult if they kept me out of it for my entire childhood.

They eventually left, but before they got in their car to leave, they told my parents that I had to start going to school the following Monday, and that if I didn't show up, my parents would both be arrested, and I would be taken away from them! So I had no choice but to start going to school...



3.
"GOING TO SCHOOL"

For my first day of school, my mom suggested that I wear my church clothes so that I could make a really good first impression on all my new classmates. I thought it was a good idea, so I put on some black dress pants, a white dress shirt, and a black tie, and I waited at the end of the driveway for the school bus.

Because I had never been to school before, I imagined that the other kids at school would be dressed up like this as well, but when the bus came and I got on it, I immediately noticed that all the other kids on the bus were just wearing T-shirts and blue jeans, and they were all looking at me like I was from another planet!

I felt so embarrassed and so nervous that I didn't dare to make eye contact with anyone, and I just looked for a quiet place to sit down by myself.

The seats on the bus were built so that 2 kids could sit in each seat, and there was only one seat that was completely empty, so I sat in the empty seat, and I just looked out the window while trying to ignore the feeling that everyone was looking at me and judging me.

Then about 10 minutes later, the bus made another stop, and a really big teenage boy who was wearing a football jersey got on the bus and sat in the seat with me.

I nervously smiled and said "Hello" to him, and luckily, he was nice enough to smile and say, "Hello" back to me. (Although when he smiled it looked like he was actually just smiling because he was struggling not to laugh at the way I was dressed.)

I then went back to just looking out the window and minding my own business, but then it occurred to me that it would be really smart to have this big kid as a friend, because nobody would dare pick on me if they knew that he was my friend, so I tried to think of a way to strike up a conversation with him...

I then looked down and noticed that he had a book in his hand, so I pointed at it and asked him, "What book are you reading?"

He told me that it was just a book that he had to do a book report on for "History Class" about the "Native American Indians", and then he handed me the book so I could look at it, and on the cover of the book there was a drawing of some Indians sitting in a circle around a campfire.

I had never seen Indians before, and the first thing that I noticed about them was that they weren't wearing any shirts (which is technically not "immoral" because all of the Indians in the picture were males) but because the Indians also had long hair (which I had always been told that only women were allowed to have) and because they were also wearing loincloths (which looked like skirts to me) I thought that they were women with no shirts on!

I was so in shock that I gasped and put my hand over my mouth, my eyes almost bulged out of my head, and my heart started pounding out of control!

I couldn't believe what I was seeing, and I wasn't sure if I should look away or keep on looking...

Then the big kid noticed that something was wrong, so he asked me, "Are you OK?" and I pointed at the drawing of the Indians and nervously whispered to him, "Are those girls???"

He then burst out laughing really hard and turned to the kids sitting behind us and said, "Hey, this new kid saw this book cover and was like, "Oh my God are those topless girls???" and everyone started laughing.

Then one of the boys sitting behind us leaned his head over the seat and said to me, "Hey man, can I ask you a serious question?" So I said, "Yes." and he asked me, "Have you ever seen a pair of boobs before?" and because of my wholesome upbringing I had honestly never even heard the word "boobs" before, so I got really confused and asked him, "What are those???" which made everyone burst out laughing even harder!

By the time we got to the school everyone on the bus had laughed about the incident (including the old man who was driving the bus) and by the end of my first day of school everyone at school was referring to me as "The New Virgin".



4.
"GOING ON A MISSION"

When I went to church the following Sunday, the president of our local church ("Brother Smith") came up to me after church with a big smile and said, "So, I hear that you are going to a public school now." and then he asked me, "How is it going so far?"

I wasn't quite sure what to say, so I just put on a fake smile and told him, "It's OK." but I guess that it was obvious to him that I didn't really mean it, because he frowned, put his hands on his hips, and said, "Tell me the truth."

I really believed back then that "Brother Smith" had the power to read minds, because he was the president of the church, and unlike the president of the "United States" (who gets elected by the people) the president of a "Mormon" church is personally chosen by God himself to be the one in charge, and God is also in constant communication with the president of the church, so it seemed impossible to keep a secret from "Brother Smith" since he was always talking to "God" and since "God" knew everything.

So I confessed to him that I was actually having a lot of difficulties at school, and I told him that even though there were about 1,000 kids at my school, I was the only "Mormon" there. And then I even went ahead and told him about how the other kids at school were teasing me because I was still a "virgin".

"Brother Smith" seemed very concerned about what I was telling him, and he told me that he wanted to have a special meeting with me about it in his office the following Sunday after church.

Normally, whenever "Brother Smith" wanted to have a meeting with me in his office, it was about me going on a "mission".

For those who don't know, once a "Mormon" boy turned 18, he is expected to devote 2 years of his life to the Lord by serving as a "missionary" for the church.

When you become a "missionary", the church will send you to a location of their choosing (and often to a foreign country) and for the next 2 years your job will be to go around knocking on doors and trying to talk to people about the "Mormon" church.

I didn't want to go on a mission, but "Brother Smith" had been putting an unbelievable amount of pressure on me to do it. I also knew that my parents would be heartbroken if I didn't do it, and I of course didn't want to anger God by not doing it, so I figured that I would go on a mission once I turned 18 just to avoid having everyone be ashamed of me. (And to avoid having to spend the rest of my life with the stigma of being the "Mormon" guy who didn't go on a mission.)

When I walked into "Brother Smith's" office the following Sunday he had a big smile on his face and he told me, "I have a surprise for you!" He then reached under his desk and pulled out a huge box that was wrapped up like a present, and he told me, "The Lord personally asked me to give this to you!"

I got really excited and opened the gift with anticipation, but it ended up being a big box containing 1,000 small paper booklets entitled "For the Strength of Youth".

In confusion I asked him, "What are these?" and he said that they were small informational pamphlets about the "Mormon" church that I could give to each of my new classmates.

He then said that these pamphlets were specifically made for teenagers, and that it talked about the moral standards that all young men and young women my age should strive to live by in order to keep the "Law of Chastity". (Like not wearing revealing clothing, waiting until you are at least 16 to start dating, getting up and walking out of a movie theater if the movie you are watching starts to get sexual, and of course waiting until you are married to have sex.)

I felt as if every cell in my body was cringing, because I knew full well that if I actually gave these booklets to the kids at school I would be mocked and ridiculed relentlessly. And I also thought that if I didn't do it God would think that I was too embarrassed to tell people about him, and he would get really mad at me for it.

I tossed and turned all night trying to decide what to do, and because I was so "God fearing" at the time, I ended up deciding to do it...

The following morning, I put all of the booklets in my backpack and took them to school with me. Then during "lunch" when everyone was in the cafeteria eating, I took out the booklets, and without even saying a word I simply started walking around and passing them out to everyone.

All I did was hand them to people, and if someone asked me, "What's this?" I would just shrug my shoulders and act like I didn't know because of how embarrassed I was.

I hoped that everyone would just throw the booklets away without even bothering to read them. (That way I wouldn't have to face the ridicule of my classmates for giving it to them, nor would I have to face the wrath from God for not giving it to them.)

But of course, everyone was so confused that they ended up reading it just to see what in the world it was, and just as I feared, I became the complete laughingstock of my school. (And I was now being referred to as "The Mormon Virgin".)

Because of how embarrassed I felt when I was handing out these little "Mormon" booklets, it really hit me that there was no way that I was actually going to be able to spend 2 years of my life trying to convert people to the church.

I still believed that the "Mormon" church was true at the time, but as they say, "God works in mysterious ways" and let's just say that the "Mormon" God worked in such mysterious ways that I knew that if I spent 2 years trying to tell people about "Mormonism", I was also going to have to spend 2 years getting laughed at by people who thought that I was really gullible for actually believing what I was preaching.



5.
"MORMON UNDERWEAR"

Because my parents were married in the "Mormon" temple, they wore special underwear known as "Mormon Temple Garments" to serve as a reminder of their sacred vows.

In the past, "Mormons" actually used to believe that this underwear served as protective armor. (Like a bullet proof vest!)

As a matter of fact, when the founder of the "Mormon" church "Joseph Smith" died in a shootout back in 1844, an autopsy revealed that he wasn't wearing his temple garments when he was shot, and many "Mormons" back then claimed that if he had been wearing his underwear that day he wouldn't have died.

Now-a-days, most "Mormons" don't actually believe that this underwear offers that kind of physical protection. (Although, every once in a while, you will hear a story about a "Mormon" being in a car wreck and claiming that their underwear is the only reason they didn't get badly hurt.)

This special underwear is very large (it covers a little more than half the body) and it is going to look really weird to any "Non-Mormon". So the "protection" that this underwear actually does provide is keeping married "Mormons" too embarrassed to wear revealing clothing in public. (Because if they wore short sleeve shirts or short shorts their strange underwear would be showing, and it would result in a lot of strange looks.)

And I'm guessing that this underwear has even prevented some married "Mormons" from having an affair when they found themselves in a situation where they were alone with a "Non-Mormon" and there was a mutual desire to do something sexual, because they knew that once the clothes started to come off the other person would get really weirded out by their underwear, so they ended up just saying something like, "I'm sorry, but I can't do this... I'm married, and it would be wrong!"



6.
"SWIMMING LESSONS"

When I turned 16, I still didn't know how to swim yet.

There was a big pond on our property, but I was too nervous to learn how to swim in it because there were snakes, snapping turtles, and other scary things living in it.

But whenever me and my parents would go to church on Sundays, we would drive past a beautiful lake, and my dad told me that since I still didn't know how to swim, and since I was 16, we could go to the lake, and he would finally give me some swimming lessons.

I was excited about going to the lake, but unfortunately, when we got there several other people were there swimming and having cookouts. (Which made me really nervous, because it meant that a bunch of strangers were going to be watching me learn how to swim.)

I was too shy to take my shirt off or wear shorts in public, so I imagined that people were going to be looking at me funny for swimming with a shirt and pants on. (And for being 16 years old and just now learning how to swim.)

When we got out of the car my dad told me that he was going to change into his "swimming clothes" in the bathroom, and that while he was changing, I should try to find a nice spot for us to have our swimming lessons.

So I started walking along the river, and luckily I was able to find a spot where we could actually be away from all the people and have some privacy. But then a few minutes later I saw my dad coming out of the bathroom wearing a pair of swimming shorts with his "Mormon underwear" still on underneath, and the shorts were only covering about 1/4 of his underwear, while the other 3/4 of his underwear was completely exposed, so I got really embarrassed and hid behind a tree so nobody would know that he was my dad!

But because my dad didn't see me anywhere, he got concerned and started shouting my name loudly, which of course made everyone look at him, and I was so embarrassed that as soon as his back was turned, I secretly ran back to the car.

My Dad had no idea where I was or what had happened to me, and I knew that I was probably going to get in a lot of trouble for going back to the car without even telling him. But his underwear was showing so bad that there was no way that I could go back out there with all those people around, so I ended up just waiting in the car until he eventually returned to the car looking for me about 30 minutes later.

When he finally found me, he looked so happy and so relieved to know that I was OK, but then he got really mad and started shouting at me...

"WHY DID YOU COME BACK TO THE CAR WITHOUT EVEN TELLING ME??? I THOUGHT THAT YOU COULD HAVE BEEN KIDNAPPED OR FELL IN THE LAKE AND DROWNED!!!"

I had never seen my dad get this angry before, so I was really scared, but I couldn't just tell him the truth (that his underwear was embarrassing) because to him it was a sacred symbol of his and my mom's wedding vows.

So I lied, and I told him that while he was in the bathroom changing some mean kids wanted to beat me up, so I had to ran back to the car to hide from them.

He then stopped being mad at me, and instead shifted all of his anger towards these imaginary kids who didn't even exist, and shouted...

"WHAT??? WELL COME ON, I'M GOING TO GO HAVE A TALK WITH THEIR PARENTS ABOUT THIS!!!"

I then said, "No, no, no... It's OK Dad... Let's just go home and let God deal with them on "Judgement Day"."

But my dad refused to let it go, and just said, "You can't let people treat you like that in life, and I as your father am definitely not going to let anyone get away with treating you like that!"

He then grabbed my arm, pulled me out of the car, and dragged me back to the lake where all the people were at.

As he was dragging me, and as we were approaching all the people, I was saying everything that I could think of to get out of this situation like...

"They were just some 8-year-old kids Dad!"

and

"They just wanted to squirt me with water guns!"

But it didn't matter, he was determined to turn this into a "life lesson" that I would always remember. (And that I would one day teach my own son if I ever had one.)

As we got closer to the people, he asked me to point out the kids who were bullying me, so I looked around, acted confused, and told him that I didn't see them anywhere, and that it must mean that they already left and that we should probably just leave too, but he just said, "Then we'll ask around and see if anyone knows who they were!"

He then dragged me over to a family which consisted of a mom, a dad, 2 little boys, and a beautiful teenage girl who I recognized from school as "Laura" from "Health Class".

As soon as I realized that it was "Laura" I panicked and tried to hide behind my dad, because I had a big crush on "Laura", and I knew that even if my dad didn't say a word, just the sight of him in his "Mormon underwear" would probably ruin any chances of "Laura" ever wanting to date me.

But of course, my dad had to start talking, and he told them, "Excuse me, but I'm looking for some kids who are about 8 years old and who were harassing my son with water guns!"

I desperately tried to hide behind my dad so "Laura" wouldn't see that it was me, but it didn't work since my dad wasn't a big guy, and since I was taller than him, and "Laura" saw me.

And to make matters worse, "Laura's" Mom could see that I was trying my best to hide behind my dad, and she felt so bad that she said, "Oh my goodness, they must have really scared the poor thing because he's shaking like a leaf!"

Then my dad told them about how I had locked myself in the car for half an hour just to hide from these 8-year-old kids with water guns, and I knew that instead of feeling really excited whenever I saw "Laura" at school, I was now just going to feel really awkward any time I saw her!

We ended up leaving the lake that day without having any swimming lessons, and I had absolutely no interest in ever going back there after what happened, so I continued to not know how to swim.



7.
"BAD WORDS"

Once I started going to school, I was exposed to all of the "bad words" that my parents did such a good job of keeping me from hearing up until that point. And when I looked these words up in the dictionary to find out what they meant, I laughed and thought that swearing was the funniest thing in the world.

One of the reasons that people use vulgar words is for "shock value", and because these words were NEVER used in my house and were considered so "taboo" they had about 100 times more "shock value" to me than they did to normal kids.

And because I was raised to believe in things based on faith alone, and was raised not to question things, I was also very naive, and I would take things a lot more literally than other people would, due to not developing enough skepticism in my youth to understand things like "sarcasm".

For example, when someone would say something sarcastic to me like, "Hey that's a nice shirt you're wearing." when there was a big mustard stain on it, I would take it as a sincere compliment, and would then wonder why everyone started laughing when I said, "Thank you".

And if someone was making a joke that wasn't meant to be taken seriously like, "It's so cold outside that I saw a bear wearing a jacket." I would have just enough critical thinking to suspect that maybe they were drunk or on drugs, and that's why they saw a bear wearing a jacket.

So whenever I would hear someone use a swear word, I would think about the literal dictionary definition of that word instead of realizing that swear words are used primarily to help express strong emotions, and if you look up the actual dictionary definitions of swear words, I think you will agree that it really makes no sense at all to shout one of these words because you stubbed your toe or you can't find your keys.

So for me personally, "swear words" were so "shocking" and so "nonsensical" that I couldn't help but want to laugh whenever someone started using them at school.

But as much as I got a kick out of hearing these "bad words" at school, I was equally frightened by the thought of someday being in public with my parents and someone using language like that around us. So other than going with my parents to church, I stopped going with them whenever they had to go to other places like the store or the bank, just because of how paranoid I was that someone was going to use a "bad word" around us.



8.
"BAPTISIMS FOR THE DEAD"

Shortly after I turned 16 the president of our church "Brother Smith" drove me and five other teenage boys from the church in a van all the way to the "Holy of Holies", the Mormon temple in "Salt Lake City Utah" so we could perform a special "Mormon" ritual known as "baptism for the dead".

Mormons believe that being baptized is necessary for one's salvation in the afterlife, and they also believe that if a person dies without ever being baptized, a living Mormon can actually be baptized for them as long as they are the same gender of the dead person.

Each of us were going to get baptized for 10 dead people, and "Brother Smith" kept telling us that while we were getting baptized, the spirits of the dead people who we were being baptized for would be there watching us and rejoicing as we saved them and got them into heaven!

The problem was that I never learned how to swim due to my dad's underwear, and I was afraid to be baptized since I would have to go underwater for the first time.

Even when I would wash my hair at home by putting my head under the bathroom sink, I would get this scary and "vulnerable" feeling like someone was going to sneak up on me when my head was in the sink, and I even had bumps on the back of my head from times when I would be washing my hair and I would suddenly hear a strange sound and get so startled that I would hit my head on the faucet.

When we got to "Salt Lake City" and we started approaching the temple, it looked like a beautiful castle to me, and I was really excited about getting to go inside of it. But once we got inside, I thought that the temple was really weird and creepy!

There were a lot of strange statues and symbols throughout the temple that I didn't understand, and there were also a lot of areas in the temple that I wasn't allowed to enter. (And the people who were allowed to enter these areas were required to take an oath swearing that they would never reveal what they saw to anyone.)

The rooms that I did get to see looked incredibly expensive (they had fancy furniture, gold framed paintings and crystal chandeliers) and because I lived way out in the country and had never seen anything that extravagant before in real life, I was amazed by what I was seeing at first.

But then I went to sit down on a chair that looked like it was made for a king and "Brother Smith" freaked out about it and said, "That's a really expensive chair! Don't sit on it!" (Which made me wonder, "What's the point of a chair if you can't even sit on it?")

And then in front of everyone, he started joking about how the chair probably cost more than my parent's car, and everyone started laughing.

My family was viewed as the "poor" family in the church, while "Brother Smith" was easily the wealthiest person in the church, and sometimes he wasn't very good at hiding the fact that he saw himself as superior to everyone else.

I got embarrassed by his joke, and I no longer felt impressed by how expensive everything looked, and instead I started to wonder to myself, "Is this really what people's tithing and donation money goes to?"

I then started to wonder why there were secrets about the temple that I wasn't allowed to know about.

The only money I ever had growing up was when my grandma would send me a birthday card with a $5 dollar bill in it, and I had to give 50 cents of that money to the church every year as "tithing", so it seemed unfair to me that even though I helped pay for the temple it was being used for things that the church felt I had no business knowing about.

When it was time to do the baptisms, they had me go into a changing room and put on an all-white outfit, then when it was my turn to get baptized, I was taken to the "Baptismal Room" which had 12 life-sized ox statues which were standing in a circle, and the "baptismal font" (which kind of looked like a small swimming pool) was balanced on the ox's backs.

It was all so strange, and looking back, it's easy to see why "baptisms for the dead" are often performed by young people who don't really know what is going on, and who are so amazed by how expensive everything looks that they don't doubt that we are in a "Holy" place.

"Brother Smith" (who was going to be baptizing me and the other boys) was standing in the middle of the baptismal font with a very serious look on his face and he motioned for me to enter the water.

I slowly got in the water (which felt kind of cold to me) and when I got to where "Brother Smith" was standing he held my wrist with one hand while raising his other hand in the air and then he said the following prayer...

"Having been commissioned of Jesus Christ, I baptize you for and in behalf of "Frederick Cooper", who is dead, in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. Amen."

He then attempted to lower me backwards into the water, but as soon as I felt the water start to touch the back of my head I freaked out and started screaming, and I messed up the baptism, which caused us to have to start over again. (According to the temple rules a baptism doesn't count unless the entire body goes underwater, and even if just one hair on your body doesn't go under water you will have to do it over until you do it right.)

"Brother Smith" was very upset at me, so he grabbed my wrist again but this time he squeezed it kind of hard to let me know that he was upset, and with an angry whisper he told me, "This is the Lord's water! Be still!" so I apologized and did my best to recompose myself.

He then said the prayer again and went to lower me underwater, but I freaked out and started screaming again as soon as my head was about to go underwater, so I messed up the second attempt too, and then I messed up the third attempt and the fourth as well because I was simply too afraid to go underwater.

To make matters worse I then started to think to myself that the spirit of this "Frederick Cooper" guy who I was getting baptized for was probably cringing in the background as he watched this. (I mean, his eternal fate was literally depending on this, and even though I was his "hero" I wasn't acting very brave or "heroic" as I tried to save him, and I imagined that even if I did end up saving him that day, it would probably be super awkward anytime we ran into each other in heaven!)

"Brother Smith" then made a 5th attempt to baptize me, but this time he was so frustrated that as soon as he finished the prayer, he forcefully pushed me underwater against my will, and because my whole body went underwater, it meant that the baptism was a success and I had officially saved "Frederick Cooper"!

But as soon as "Brother Smith" lifted me back up and out of the water I had water in my nose, in my eyes, in my ears and even in my mouth, and I was coughing so bad that I threw up in the water! (Which resulted in them having to cancel the rest of my baptisms that day just so they could drain, clean, and refill the large baptismal fount!)

I felt so ashamed about what I had done that even though I had always been terrified of the idea that God may not even exist, and that religion might just be made up, I actually started to take comfort in thinking that maybe the Atheists were right, and maybe when I die, I won't have to face God's wrath for embarrassing him the way that I did that day.

When it was time to leave the temple, me and the other young boys were sitting in the lobby of the temple as "Brother Smith" was filling out some paperwork at the front desk before we could leave and apologizing to the staff for my rude behavior, and I felt so bad that I couldn't imagine ever even being able to smile again.

Then there was a sudden and loud commotion as a bunch of temple workers started running down the hallway and into a bathroom across the hall.

The toilets in the bathroom were overflowing and there was so much water that it was flowing into the hallway, and the smell was horrible!

And to make matters worse, they said that the overflowing toilets were all my fault, because all the excess water that was coming out of toilets was due to the "baptismal font" that I threw up in having to suddenly be drained unexpectedly!

So I then started to believe that I might even end up going to hell for all of the damage that I had caused to "Holy Temple"!

As the reality of everything that was happening started to really sink in, I felt completely immobilized by the overwhelming feelings of shame, unworthiness, and doom.

But then one of the other teenage boys (who was sitting right next to me) looked over at the overflowing bathroom while putting his hand over his nose to cover up the smell, and then he smiled and leaned over to me and jokingly whispered... "HOLY SHIT".

I then burst out laughing so hard that all of the depression and anxiety that I was feeling instantly went away, and I had a life changing revelation in the temple...

I realized that I could either go on believing that the church was true and spend the rest of my life in fear, or I could view the "Mormon" church as one big joke and laugh about it, and after everything that I had seen that day, I simply could no longer be a believer.

But I didn't want my parents to be sad or to have to deal with the judgement from other church members if they had a kid who abandoned the church, so I decided to keep going to church on Sundays, but I went for the comedy, and deep down I kind of liked the fact that I was being raised in such a weird religion!



9.
"I'M NOT RACIST, BUT..."

A lot of my family members are racist (especially my grandparents) and I think that this is mostly due to the fact that everyone in my family is a "Mormon" and the "Mormon" church used to preach that black people are the descendants of "Cain", and my older relatives grew up being taught that.

Fortunately, my parents didn't "hate" black people. (But it was painfully obvious at times that they were kind of scared of them.)

I grew up in the country where everyone was white, so the only time that I ever saw black people in real life during my childhoods was ironically when me and my parents would visit my racist Grandparents who lived in the big city where the population was roughly half white / half black.

I was afraid to go with my parents to anywhere other than church, but one day my dad had to go to my grandparents' house, and I hadn't seen my grandparents in a very long time, so I decided to go ahead and go with him, and shortly before we got to their house, we had to stop at a gas station.

It took several hours to drive to my grandparents' house, so when my dad was putting gas in the car I went ahead and got out of the car too just to stretch my legs a bit, and while we were at the pump there was a very charismatic old black man who was singing and washing a car about 10 feet away from us, and at one point he stopped singing and greeted us by waving and saying, "How are you gentlemen doing today?"

So my dad responded, "Oh very well." and then my dad asked him, "And how are you on this fine afternoon?" and the man looked over at the long line of cars that he had to wash, shock his head, and jokingly said, "Same shit different day!"

I was so shocked that he said the word "shit" in front of my dad that I actually ducked as if he had thrown something at me, and screamed, "WHOA!"

Then the black man looked at me with a confused grin and said, "What the HELL?"

So I panicked and said, "Uh Dad, I really have to use the bathroom!" and I took off running towards the gas station bathroom as fast as I could. (I didn't really have to use the bathroom, but I was just so scared that the black man was going to keep using "bad words", or that my dad would confront him about his language in a very "Mormon" way by asking him to please refrain from using the profanities and to please use words like "Stuff", or "Doo Doo", or "Number 2" instead, so I just wanted to get away from them as fast as possible!)

But as I was running, I was so focused on just getting away from them that I didn't even think to look for on-coming cars, and I suddenly heard my dad shout to me, "LOOK OUT!!!" so I turned and saw that a car was pulling into the gas station, and it was about to hit me!

So I screamed and put my hands up in front of me, and luckily the man who was driving the car saw me and slammed on his breaks just in the nick of time. (Although my hands actually slapped the hood of his car really hard, because he literally would have run me over if he had stopped just a second later.)

The driver was really mad, and he stuck his head out the window and yelled, "WHAT THE FUCK KID???"

As soon as he yelled the "F" word I immediately looked over at my dad and saw that he was running towards us, so I took off running for the bathroom again out of fear that I was about to hear a lot more "bad words" in front of my dad!

I got to the bathroom (which was on the side of the gas station) and locked myself in it, and while I was locked inside, I could hear the angry driver outside yelling at my dad because I had run in front of his car, and the man was using so many "bad words" that I didn't dare come back out until I was sure that he had left the gas station.

When I finally came out of the bathroom, I felt so traumatized by all the "bad words" that me and my dad had just been exposed to, that when I got in the car I got in the back seat instead of the front seat, and I told my dad that I was really tired and needed a nap. (Because I was simply too uncomfortable to talk to him after hearing all that.)

But as soon as my dad was about to start the car so we could leave, the old black man who was washing cars walked over to our car and tapped on my dad's windshield. So my dad rolled down the window (but only about an inch) and the man asked him if I was OK.

I pretended to be asleep and to not hear what was going on, but then the man walked over to the back door and started knocking on my window, so I opened my eyes and looked up at him with a deer in the headlights stare as he said, "Hey young man, I just wanted to tell you that you really have to be careful and look both ways before you cross the street... That man almost ran over your ASS!"

I cringed because he said the word "ass", and I didn't want my dad to know that I knew what that word meant since him and my mom had spent so many years doing everything in their power to make sure that I never heard words like that. (They even invested in a more modern family Bible that said "donkey" instead of "ass".)

So I pretended to still be innocent by acting really confused and asking, "He almost ran over my WHAT???" And he said, "Your ASS son! I said that he almost ran over your ASS!"

I was so uncomfortable and so unsure what to do next that I just put my head down and said, "Oh... Well... I don't know what that word means." and the man was so shocked by my apparent innocence that he shouted, "ARE YOU SERIOUS???" and then he went back to my dad's window and told him, "Hey my man, you better have a talk with your boy if he don't even know what "ASS" is yet!"

And at that point my dad could no longer hide the fact that he was scared of black people, so he quickly rolled up the last inch of his window and sped away from the gas station so fast that he almost hit someone too! (And I just went back to pretending that I was asleep until we got to my grandma's house to avoid the "Ass Talk" that the man suggested my dad have with me!)

When we finally got to my grandma's house, she asked us how the trip went and my dad told her about how a man almost hit me with his car when we were at the gas station, and right away my grandma asked, "Was it a black guy?"

So my dad thought about it and said, "Yes." and she asked him why he didn't call the police and have him arrested. (As if she thought that the black man had tried to hit me with his car on purpose.)

So we told her that it was actually my fault because I wasn't looking where I was going, and that he had slammed on his breaks and did everything he could to avoid hitting me, but my grandma was convinced that he tried to hit me on purpose, and when we had dinner that evening, and she said the prayer, she during the prayer she actually thanked God for causing the black man's car to stop before he could run me over!

We spent the night at my grandma's house and the next day we drove to an "assisted living facility" to visit my grandpa. (Who could no longer live at home due to his health problems.)

When we got there, my grandpa was in a room with some other elderly people, and they were all watching the News. There was a weatherman on the TV giving the local weather forecast, and the weather just happened to be black.

As soon as my grandma saw the black weatherman on TV, she got mad and asked one of the nurses, "What channel do you have this on?" and the nurse told her that it was "The Weather Channel", and in front of everyone my grandma said, "Well he belongs on "B.E.T." ("Black Entertainment Television") not on one of the regular channels!"

My grandma was so upset about the fact that there was a black weatherman on a channel other than "B.E.T." that she demanded that we get grandpa and just leave, so me and my dad got behind my grandpa's wheelchair and pushed him to the car and we drove to a restaurant to have our get-together.

But my grandma wanted to park in the handicapped parking space since my grandpa was disabled, and we couldn't park there because there was already a car parked there.

Then my grandma noticed that the car didn't have a "handicapped parking permit" hanging from the rear-view mirror like you are legally required to if you park there, so she got really mad and said, "Some black guy parked in the handicapped spot illegally!" (She didn't even know who the car belonged to, but in her mind, she was certain that it had to be a black guy, and she insisted that we go to a different restaurant because of it!)

Once we found another restaurant with an empty handicapped parking space, we went inside and found a table, but then the waiter showed up to take our order, and I got really nervous because he was a black man, and I was afraid that my grandma was going to end up saying something really racist to him!

Luckily when he asked her what she would like to order she managed to tell him what she wanted without saying anything offensive to him...

But then the waiter turned to my grandpa. (Who can actually be even worse than my grandma about saying racist things, because he has "Alzheimer's" which causes him to sometimes believe that he is a kid again, and because he was a kid back in the pre-civil rights era AND he was raised "Mormon" when the church was openly racist!)

And when the waiter asked my grandpa what he would like to order, my grandpa (who must have thought that he was 8 years old that day) completely ignored his question and instead just started telling everyone at the table about how his parents had just bought him a big black dog for his 8th birthday, and he said that the dog's fur was so black that they named it "Nigg**".

I felt so ashamed that the flimsy paper menu that I was holding became a shield as I raised it up to try to hide my face from the waiter!

And I then experienced my own form of "Alzheimers" as I relived some of the more embarrassing moments in the history of the "Mormon" church...



10.
"THE EMBARRASSING HISTORY OF THE MORMON CHURCH"

When I first stopped believing in the church, I would still kind of defended it by telling myself that "Mormons" were "nice" and that the church brought people together and provided them with a "moral compass" in life.

But the embarrassing incident at the restaurant with my grandparents (who actually followed the church's original teachings 100%) got me thinking that the nicest "Mormon's" I ever met in church were actually the "casual" ones who had probably never actually read "The Book Of Mormon" and who were probably just there because "going to to church" seemed like the right thing to do, and the "Mormon" church just happened to be the closest church to their house.

I then started to really question the idea that the church provided society with a "moral compass", and below is a brief history of the "Mormon" church which demonstrates how society actually helped provide the church with a "moral compass"...

"BLACK PEOPLE"

The "Mormon" church used to teach that black skin was a curse that God had put on the wicked and inferior race, and that "race mixing" was a sin that should result in the death penalty.

And my grandparents even used to say that the only way a black person could go to heaven was if they were going to be a slave in heaven!

But as the civil rights movement started to grow, the church started to be seen as a "hate group", so the church made several public attempts to no longer be seen as "racist", but in many cases it backfired and just made the church look even racist...

In an interview with "Look Magazine" the "Mormon" profit at the time "Joseph Smith Jr." tried to let black readers know that the church wasn't racist by saying, "Darkies are wonderful people."

Then "Mormon" leaders started inviting black people to join the church, and they even claimed that if a black person becomes a "Mormon" and follows the teachings diligently, God will eventually take away their dark skin curse and make them "white and delight-some" like the righteous!

Then as protestors started showing up at "Mormon" churches and temples, and as News crews started showing up to film the protests, the "Mormon" prophet at the time "Spencer W. Kimball" suddenly made a public announcement that he had just received a revelation from God, and that God had personally told him that black people were no longer cursed.

GAYS

Back when I went to the "Mormon" church, being gay was considered one of the worst "sins" that you could possibly commit.

My grandparents would even blame major natural disasters like tornadoes on gay bars!

And to make matters worse the church used to teach that being gay was a "lifestyle choice", and that anyone who is gay could be straight if they wanted to, but they choose instead to live in sin because they are not good people.

As society became a lot more accepting of homosexuality, the church started to be accused of preaching "homophobia", and once again protesters started showing up to voice their disapproval. So the church suddenly received another revelation from God, and this time God said that being gay was no longer a "choice" and that if you are attracted to someone who is the same gender as you, you can't really help that, and therefore being gay was no longer a sin according to the church.

However, the church later went on to say that although you can't control who you are sexually attracted to, you CAN control whether or not you act on your sexual desires, and although being gay was no longer a sin, having gay sex still was a sin.

So in other words, if you are gay, you can technically become a member of the "Mormon" church, but you must either remain celibate or marry someone of the opposite sex and have straight marital sex only in order to avoid sin. (And as of writing this, the church is still asking their members to do whatever they can to try to stop the legalization of "gay marriage" from happening.)

WOMEN

The "Mormon" church has built the largest genealogy database in the world, and it is used primarily to find the names of people who died without ever being baptized, so that they can be baptized in "baptism for the dead" ceremonies.

My dad used this database to trace back our family tree several generations, and when he did this a really interesting pattern emerged...

- The number of kids my father had... 1

- The number of kids my grandfather had... 6

- The number of kids my great grandfather had... 14

- The number of kids my great great grandfather had... 29

- The number of kids my great great great grandfather had... 47

- The number of kids my great great great great grandfather had...63

The reason my male ancestors in the past had so many kids was because the "Mormon" church used to practice "polygamy", and it was common for a "Mormon" man to have multiple wives.

And how did "Mormon" women feel about the idea of having to share their husband with other women? They felt incredibly blessed just to have a "Mormon" husband, because they were taught that being married to a "Mormon" man was the only way that they could become a "Goddess" in Heaven.

The belief was that "Mormon" men would become Gods in the afterlife, and each of them would have countless planets which would be populated by the countless spirit children that him and his wives would produce in heaven through never-ending sex!

So the church was basically a big "Sex Cult"!

But because polygamy was against the law, the government eventually stepped in and threatened to shut down all the "Mormon" temples and put all the "Mormon" leaders in jail if they didn't stop practicing it, so the church suddenly had yet another revelation from God, and this time the revelation was that polygamy was now a sin, and that any members who continued to practice in it would be banished from the church.

However, not only are there are some "Mormons" who still practice polygamy, but there are many who believe that polygamy will make a comeback during the "end times" due to wars taking away most of the young men and leaving most of the young women with no choice but to either have no man or share one.

My grandpa used to talk about how much he looked forward to the return of polygamy when he would be able to have 5 - 7 wives like his grandfathers did. (And one time when I was too young to understand, I overheard him say to another old man who went to his church that he wasn't sure if he would rather have 5 wives or 7 wives, because if he had 7 wives that would mean that he could have a different woman for every night of the week, and if he had 5 that would mean he could have 2 nights off.)

Anyone who ever met my grandma knows that she didn't put up with ANY nonsense, and she wasn't afraid to speak her mind regardless of who she might offend, and the fact that my grandpa would talk openly about his fantasy of having multiple wives right in front of my grandma, and she didn't say anything about it was a testament to me how much the church had manipulated women into believing that their place was in the home raising kids and doing the mundane chores so that their husband could focus on "God's work", and to this day women are not allowed to perform baptisms, bless the sacrament, or be the president of a church.

NON-MORMONS

The "Mormon" church used to teach that they were the one and only true church, and that all other religions were "abominations"!

In recent years the "Mormon" church has tried to seem less arrogant and more accepting of other religions by making public statements like, "Many of the other religions in the world have good intentions and good teachings." and "You don't have to be a "Mormon" to go to Heaven."

But what the church doesn't talk about publicly, is that "Mormons" believe that there are 3 levels of Heaven ("The Celestial Kingdom", "The Terrestrial Kingdom", and "The Telestial Kingdom") or (The Good Heaven", "The Better Heaven" and "The Best Heaven") and the only way to go to the top heaven ("The Celestial Heaven") where God lives is to be married in the Mormon temple. (Which you would of course have to be a "Mormon" to do.)

So in other words, "Mormons" believe that only they will be in the top Heaven, and that everyone else who makes it to Heaven will forever be second and third-class angels.

CONCLUSION

It occurred to me that even the person who started the "Mormon" church ("Joseph Smith") would be kicked out of the church if he was alive today for saying and doing the things that he did, yet he was also still considered by the church to be the role model who all "Mormons" should strive to be like.

And what was most strange of all, was that I always knew about these embarrassing things from the church's past (and so did everyone else at church) but everyone at church had a collective form of "selective amnesia" where we all decided to willingly forget about certain things from the church's past, and knew not to bring them up, because to do so would result in a lot of cringing, and might result in some people losing their faith.

But now that I was no longer a believer, and now that I had found myself in an embarrassing situation where I was forced to think about the embarrassing things that the church wanted everyone to forget about, I told myself that I no longer wanted any part of the church, and I told myself that as soon as I moved out on my own, I would move far enough away from my parents that I could stop going to church without them knowing that I had stopped going.



11.
"TELEVISION"

When I finally moved out of my parent's house, I moved to the big city, and not only did I stop going to church, but I felt an overwhelming temptation to do all the things that the church forbid.

When I got my first apartment, I suddenly had cable television with over 100 channels instead of just 1 "family friendly" channel like the TV I had growing up.

I couldn't wait to finally be able to watch the kind of TV that my parents didn't want me to see, but when I turned on the TV I wasn't ready for what I saw.

The sexuality and inappropriate language was so over-the-top that I couldn't watch anything on cable television without imagining how awkward it would be to watch it with my super religious parents.

Even though I was by myself, I kept imagining that my mom was sitting to my left and my dad was sitting to my right (just like when we would watch TV together as a family on the couch) and it totally creeped me out!

And what was even more disturbing to me was the thought that other families out there actually would watch this kind of television together as a family and not even feel awkward about it.

Sometimes right before a movie was about to start a warning would come on that would say something like...

"THE FOLLOWING FILM CONTAINS STRONG LANGUAGE AND STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT AND SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY CHILDREN WITHOUT PARENTAL SUPERVISION."

And all that I could do was ask myself in confusion, "Wouldn't a child watching a movie that has strong language and strong sexual content in it with parental supervision traumatize that child for life???

I couldn't enjoy anything on regular TV because I was constantly cringing at the thought of watching what I was seeing with my parents, and even though my parents were no longer watching over me I was still unable to watch anything on TV that I knew they would disapprove of.



12.
"INTERNET"

They say that children today are starting puberty about 5 years earlier than children 100 years ago did, but I actually had the opposite problem. I didn't start to grow facial hair until I was 26, and even to this day my voice is still kind of stuck in the high-pitched prepubescent stage.

I'm not sure if my upbringing somehow stunted my growth and caused me to become a "late bloomer", but something caused there to be an unusually long delay, and nobody ever believed me when I tell them how old I am.

My parents never talked to me about sex (not even once) and it wasn't taught at my school either, because parents in the local community felt that the parents should be the ones to talk to their kids about sex.

Sometimes I would overhear other boys at school talking about sex, but it was usually nothing more than them just bragging about how big their penis was, and because I had never seen another man naked before (combined with the fact that I was so naive) I actually believed their wild and exaggerated claims, and it made me feel that there was no sense in trying to find a girlfriend, because even if I found one, she would eventually find out about my embarrassing size problem and leave me.

Sometimes at church during "Priesthood Meeting" (which was a class for teenage boys) "Brother Smith" would talk to us about sex, but it would usually just be him talking about how bad and immoral sex was, and warning us about the dangers of premarital sex, pornography, and masturbation. (Especially masturbation.)

He would tell us that sex was intended for procreation only, and that if you masturbate you are "toying with the tools of God" and committing an unforgivable sin!

He would also give us creepy tips to avoid the sin of masturbation such as...

"Never admire yourself in the mirror when you are naked."

"If you find out that a friend of yours masturbates, stop being friends with them immediately."

"When you go to sleep at night, wear multiple layers of clothing, so that it will be more difficult to touch your private area if the devil is trying to tempt you at night."

All of this really messed with my head as a young boy, and I can remember times when I was literally too afraid to even scratch an itch that was on an intimate body part, because scratching an itch naturally feels good, and therefore I worried that if I scratched an itch that was on an intimate body part and it felt good, it might technically be considered "pleasuring myself".

And because of my incredible lack of sexual education, when I finally started to grow hair around my private area, I honestly had no clue what was going on, and I actually thought that the strange hair growth might be a "sexually transmitted disease" of some kind, even though I was still a virgin. (After all, my grandparents used to say that you could get A.I.D.S just from shaking hands with certain types of people, so anything seemed possible.)

I was too embarrassed to go to a doctor about my mysterious hair growth or my size problem, so for years I believed that something was terribly wrong with me.

But then the internet came out, and I heard that a lot of people were using it to look at pornography, so I saved up my money to buy a computer. (Not to look at naked women, but to look at naked men just so I could finally figure out what was wrong with my body.)

As soon as I got on-line for the first time, I did an image search for "Naked Man" and within only a few seconds I realized that all of those years of believing that something was wrong with me was for nothing, because I actually had a normal body after all.

I was so happy to find out that I didn't have an S.T.D. or anything like that, but unfortunately my new computer got a bad virus due to the kinds of websites that I had to go to in order to see what a naked man looked like, and after just a few minutes of being on the internet my computer went haywire, and there were so many pop-up ads popping up that I had to unplug the computer just to turn it off, and when I tried to turn it back on again it wouldn't work.

Back then nobody had internet on their phones, and the only way to get on-line was through an actual computer, so a lot of people owned a computer at the time, but almost nobody knew how to actually fix a computer.

I had an who was also a real "computer nerd", and I imagined that he could easily fix it for me (and probably over the phone) plus he wouldn't charge me anything for it, but I was way too uncomfortable to call him up and ask him for help, because we were family, and therefore it would be awkward...

What I mean by that is that if you take a computer that doesn't work to a professional repair man who isn't related to you, all you have to do is tell the repair man what is wrong, then they will fix it for you, and then you will pay them. But if I contacted my uncle, I would have to go through the following 3 awkward steps...

STEP 1 - Spend the first 10 minutes of the conversation pretending that I called him just to see how he was doing.

STEP 2 - After running out of things to talk to him about, I would then casually say, "Oh, by the way, do you by any chance know what it means when you turn on a computer and you try to get on-line, but a message just keeps popping up that says, "Unable to connect to internet. Error code 4142. Reboot C drive."?"

Then he would tell me what buttons I needed to push to get everything to start working again, and once it started working, I would thank him.

STEP 3 - Spend the last 10 minutes acting like I missed him and hoped to see him at the next family reunion.

I imagined that so many other family members with computer problems would call him up and do the exact same thing, and I didn't want him to think that people only cared about him because of his nerdiness, so I just couldn't go through with calling him for computer help.

And I was also too uncomfortable to take my computer to a place like "Best Buy" to get it repaired, because I had heard a lot of stories about people taking their computer there to get it fixed and getting arrested because the employees found illegal pornography of on the computer.

There was nothing "illegal" about the type of pornography that I had viewed, but you have to remember that this was during a time in history when being gay wasn't "illegal" but it was considered "wrong", "immoral", or even "blasphemous" by many people at the time where I lived, and I was so nervous that someone might think that I was gay based on the images that I had viewed that I ended up just throwing the computer away.

I felt frustrated that I spent all that money on a computer and ended up just throwing it away, but it also made me feel sympathetic towards anyone who actually was gay back then and who had to go to even greater and more ridiculous lengths just to avoid having anyone find out that they were gay.

When I eventually saved up enough money, I bought another computer, but despite the overwhelming temptation that I was feeling to see what a naked woman looked like, this time I knew better than to go to any pornographic websites, and I actually ended up using my new computer to research the "Mormon" church, because one day I typed in the word "Mormon" out of curiosity and an outrageous amount of websites came up that were making fun of the "Mormon" religion!

The more that I researched the "Mormon" church on-line, the more that I realized I could never go back to church again, because there were so many exposes on the internet about the church, and the exposes were making the church look so "ridiculous" and so "intelligence insulting" that I thought it would be super embarrassing to still be a "Mormon" in "the age of information".



13.
"SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT"

I suffer greatly from "Secondhand Embarrassment Syndrome". (When seeing other people get embarrassed or make a fool out of themselves makes you "cringe" and feel embarrassed as well.)

Because I know so well what it feels like to be embarrassed, it is almost like an "out of body experience" for me when I see other people get embarrassed, and it feels like I actually become that person, and I can even transcend time and space and experience an infinite number of embarrassing possibilities...

For example, when YouTube first came out, I clicked on a video called "The Greatest Video You Will Ever See", and in the video there was a baseball game going on at a big stadium with a big screen monitor at the top of the stadium that suddenly focused on a single woman in the crowd. When the woman looked up and realized that she was on the monitor she looked around in confusion wondering what was going on, and then her boyfriend who was sitting next to her got down on one knee to propose to her, and everyone in the crowd started cheering, so I quickly turned off the video... But it was too late...

- I suddenly became the man who was proposing, and she said "No" to me in front of everyone. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life, and I knew that for the rest of my life I would instantly cringe any time I thought about the incident.

- I then became the woman being proposed to. I liked the guy who was proposing to me, but not THAT much, and I couldn't believe that he would actually put me through this kind of "entrapment"! I didn't want to say "Yes", but I was way too embarrassed to say "No" with all these strangers staring at me, so I put on a fake smile for the spectators and reluctantly said "Yes", and for the rest of my life I would instantly cringe any time I thought about the incident.

- I then became both the man and the woman happily married and united as "One". (For 6 years, 2 months, and 11 days that is.) We then started to argue and not like each other, so we decided to divorce and go our own separate ways again. But the problem was that even though we were now "separated" we both still lived in the same town and would sometimes be unexpectedly "reunited" with each other at the grocery store, or at some other random place in public, and any time this would happen it would feel increasingly more and more awkward, and then it got to the point where it would be extremely awkward to even run into a relative, a friend, or a co-workers of our ex-lover in public.

- I then became myself again and thought to myself, "Other people's love lives are none of my business, and I like it that way."

So whenever I would get a wedding invitation in the mail from a random relative, I wouldn't go to the wedding, because I was afraid that if I met the person who they had recently fallen in love with, and then they ended up falling out of love with that person someday in the future, it would make that person want to cringe if they ever ran into me in public just because of my relation to their ex-lover, and I don't wish that awkward feeling on anyone.

I also completely lost contact with my parents over the years. Not because I didn't love them, but because once I moved out of their religious household and into "the real world" I was so shocked by the "irreverent" behavior in society, that I felt as though the only public place I could safely be around my parents was in the "shelter" of the "Mormon" church, but because I had become too embarrassed to even be seen walking into a "Mormon" church I felt unable to ever see them again, and I slowly lost contact with them.



14.
"NO SHAME WHATSOEVER"

Although I was no longer religious, I actually started spending Sunday mornings watching religious programing on television, because I was oddly fascinated by bad acting TV preachers who were obviously just trying to get people's money. (And yet were still somehow able to make millions.)

Then one day when I was on-line, I stumbled across some stories about a man named "Scott Osborne" who was a conman who started his career in crime by being the worst TV televangelist ever.

This man had literally no shame whatsoever, and because of how easy it is for me to feel embarrassed, I couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to be him and be completely immune to embarrassment.

There is a lot of evidence from those who have had a "near death experience" that right before you die, your whole life will flash before your eyes, and you will have your own personal version of "Judgement Day" as you review your life and judge yourself.

And when I learned that this "Scott Osborne" character had recently died from having a heart attack, I couldn't help but wonder if he felt even a little bit of embarrassment right before he died as he looked back on his life, and I suddenly became "Scott Osborne" on his deathbed as his whole life flashed before his eyes, and below is what I envisioned...

THE LIFE OF "SCOTT OSBORNE"

When I was a young man, my life was heading nowhere. I didn't have a girlfriend and I didn't have much money since I just worked part time at a grocery store where I was "The Bread Bitch". (That's what my manager at work would actually call the person who worked the bread aisle.)

Then I turned 21 and started going "clubbing" on the weekends in the hopes of finding a woman who would sleep with me, but none of them would even dance with me. So I went to the thrift store and bought the most expensive looking suit that I could find, and then I wore it to the club hoping that it would make me look rich and more attractive to women. (Especially black women, because that was my ultimate fantasy!)

But when I wore the suit to a club for the first time one Saturday night, I approached a hot black girl and asked her if she would like to dance with me, and she looked at my suit and asked me, "Shouldn't you be at church or something?" and then her and her friends all started laughing at me because my suit looked more like a suit that you would wear to church than to a club.

I felt like I had wasted my money on the suit and was about to leave, but then I happened to overhear another hot black woman telling one of her lady friends that although she was having fun at the club, she really needed to go home, because she was trying to get her life together and she wanted to go to church the next morning.

So I tapped her on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me miss, but are you a Christian too?" and she smiled and said, "Yes I am!" and then she looked at my suit and happily asked me, "You're a Christian?"

The truth was that had never been to church in my life, and I honestly thought that anyone who went to church was really dumb, but because of how hot she was I lied and told her, "Oh, I practically live at church!"

She then curiously asked me, "What church do you go to?" and I froze up because I couldn't even think of the names of any churches, so I just made up a name and told her that I went to a church called "The Church of the Rising Christian Righteous". (Which sounded so lame and obviously made up that I feared she wouldn't be gullible enough to believe it.)

She looked really confused and said, "I've never heard of that church before." So I lied again and told her "Oh, well, that's because I'm from out of town and I just moved here recently, and I'm still searching for a good Christian church to start going to."

I was hoping that she would take the bait, and that she would invite me to go to church with her the next morning, but instead she just said, "Oh, I see." and then she looked down at her watch as if she was quickly losing interest in me.

So I then made up an even bigger and bolder lie, and I told her, "You know, I was actually the preacher at my last church." and she immediately looked back up at me with wide eyed amazement and asked, "You were a preacher???"

Then she asked me why I stopped being a preacher and why I moved to a new town without even knowing which church to attend, so I told her, "Well, the lord works in mysterious ways, and all I know is that he told me to come to this area. So I did, and now I am patiently waiting to see what he has planned for me."

She seemed intrigued, and then she actually asked me if I was "single".

I knew that I had to choose my words/lies very carefully now, and I did by telling her, "Well, the problem is that a lot of young people our age are just wanting to have sex, and I'm looking for a good Christian woman who I can love, and not just for a lifetime, but for eternity in Heaven."

Once I told her that I could tell by the look in her eyes that she was completely under my spell!

Then a song came on in the club that had lyrics that kept saying, "Girls shake ya booty, yeah yeah, girls shake ya booty, yeah yeah." and although I thought it was a catchy song, I pretended to be really offended by the way that it was sexualizing women, and then I told her that I lived nearby, and asked her if she would like to continue our conversation at my place where we could get away from the degrading music, and she told me, "Absolutely!"

We then went back to my apartment, and as soon as we got inside, she asked me if I had a bathroom she could use, so I pointed at the bathroom door and told her, "It's that room." and she went into the bathroom.

I couldn't believe that there was actually a smoking hot black woman in my apartment (and that she actually thought that I was some kind of saint) and as she was in the bathroom I was dancing around my apartment while silently screaming, "YES YES YES" to myself.

But then I heard a loud scream from the bathroom, so I stopped dancing and turned to the bathroom door...

She then came out of the bathroom looking furious, and she looked at me and shouted, "YOU'RE THE BIGGEST FUCKING CREEP I'VE EVER MET!!!" and then she stormed out of my apartment.

I didn't understand why she was upset, so I walked over to the bathroom and looked inside, and then I realized why she had gotten so upset...

I totally forgot that I had a huge stack of dirty magazines on the toilet. (And to make matters worse, it was nothing but magazines for guys like myself who have a fetish for black women with big tits and big asses!)

Luckily for me I have no shame, so I actually thought it was kind of funny and started laughing about it, and then the laugh became more and more sinister as I imagined how many other people out there I could manipulate by pretending to be a "Man of God"!

STARTING MY OWN CHURCH

There was a pet store across the street from my apartment that had recently went out of business, so I went to the bank and got a loan to rent the building and convert it into a church, and over the next few months I slowly started converting people in the neighborhood into my loyal followers.

Every Sunday I would spend an hour preaching, and what was hilarious to me was the fact that I had never even read the Bible before. But luckily the people I was attracting to my church had never actually read the Bible either, so I was able to easily convince them that what I was saying was "Biblical" by simply telling them what they wanted to hear and telling them with charisma!

I was secretly sleeping with some of the women who came to my church, and I was even getting some of the men who confessed to me that they had a drug problem to give me their stash so I could "dispose" of it for them.

I was also bribing some of the little kids who came to my church with candy to fake miracles for me. (I would tell them to stand up in the middle of church and start screaming and acing like they were possessed by an evil spirit, and then I would point at them and yell, "Evil spirit, I command you in the name of "Jesus" to leave that child!" and they would fall down.)

And because the internet wasn't around yet, whenever my followers started to talk and realize that I was a fraud, all I had to do was leave town and start a new church under a new name somewhere else.

STARTING MY OWN TV SHOW

After years of "touring" across the country by moving from city to city to escape persecution, I finally felt ready to take my act to the big stage by having my own preaching show on national television, and I got a show that aired every Sunday morning on the "ABC" channel called "The Holy Gospel".

My show became very successful, and it was seen by millions of people, but once I became famous, I started to get criticized over the fact that I was living an incredibly lavish lifestyle.

I had a big mansion, over a dozen cars, and even a private jet. (And considering that the only job I ever had before I was a preacher was working at a grocery store part time for a few months, it was painfully obvious that the money I was spending on myself must have been the same money that people were donating to my church, and which I claimed would be spent on helping spread God's word.)

Because I had gotten so accustomed to being able to just run away from all my problems, I had always thought of being a preacher as being a character in a video game. (Because no matter what happened I could always just "start over" and "play again".) But now that I was on national television platform, I realized that if I got exposed as a fraud it would be "game over" for me!

People were really starting to talk about all of the money that I was spending on myself, and it seemed that I was doomed. But then an idea came to me, and although the idea was so crazy that I didn't think that it would actually work, I had no other options, so I decided to try it anyways...

NEW AND IMPROVED SHOW

I decided to change the name of my show from "The Holy Gospel" to "The Prosperity Gospel" and then I started telling everyone that it was "Biblical" that a man of God should be financially wealthy, and that the more holy a man was, the richer he should be!

Because a lot of the people who watched my show were living paycheck-to-paycheck, they WANTED to believe what I was saying about money so badly that my show became even more successful than it was before all of the controversy about my spending started!

So whenever my critics would accuse me of spending ridiculous amounts of money on myself, I would proudly boast about it to my followers, and to get back at my critics I would tell my followers that it was the devil who started the belief that religious people should be "meek" and shouldn't get to enjoy the finer things in life.

As a matter of fact, my good friend "Robbert Tilton" (who was also a TV preacher at the time) was making MILLIONS of dollar a year by keeping his church donations for himself, and the only thing that his critics could really do about it was make "Farting Preacher Videos" where they would take video clips of "Robbert Tilton" preaching and then insert farting sound effects whenever he would squint his eyes and make the weird faces that he was known for making during his sermons!.

Hell, "Robbert Tilton" and me actually watched those "Farting Preacher Videos" together one night at my place, and we both laughed our asses off! I swear, it was such a great time to be a religious fraud, because the only real punishment for it back then was people trying to shame you, and since I was completely shameless, I felt invincible!

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY ARE SOON PARTED

Every day I would get an outrageous amount of mail delivered to my church which consisted of "fan mail", "prayer requests", and "donations".

But I only cared about the donations, so if I opened a letter and there was no money in it, I would say a cuss word like "Fuck!" or "Shit!" and immediately throw it in the trash. And whenever I would find a letter with a donation, I would take out the money and then I would immediately throw away the rest of the letter.

But because it was taking me so much time for me to open all of the mail and search for the ones with cash inside, I actually went on TV one day and asked the viewers to please not send any letters to me that didn't contain any money. (And I tried to justify this request by saying that the money was a symbol of their faith, and therefore it made no sense to expect a miracle from God if they didn't have any faith in him.)

However, there were still a lot of people sending me letters without any money in them, so I eventually got so frustrated that I actually started yelling at the viewers at home during my show, "QUIT SENDING ME LETTERS WITHOUT ANY MONEY IN THEM, OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH!!!"

But even when it got to the point when almost all the letters had money in them, I was still getting frustrated because a lot of the letters were from cheap bastards who were just sending me a $5 bill or even a $1 bill, and I didn't want to waste my time on small money like that. (Nor did I want to hire someone else to do it for me, because I feared that they would either be keeping the money for themselves or that they would end up trying to blackmail me by threatening to tell everyone that I wasn't even reading the letters.)

Then one day I picked up a newspaper and curiously looked at my horoscope which said... CAPRICORN Dec 22 - Jan 19

"There are a lot of important lessons coming your way, but if you aren't paying attention, you might miss them. Work hard, but also know when to relax and enjoy life. Things may not happen when you want them to happen, but they will happen when they are meant to happen."

I then shook my head, rolled my eyes, and said, "How could anyone believe in this shit?" I mean, it was so vague that it could literally apply to anyone."

But it gave me an ingenious idea...

During my shows, I started looking at the camera and saying the vaguest things ever like...

"There's a man out there watching this program right now. You're a very rich and successful man, and God wants you to send me $1,000."

or

"There's a woman out there watching this right now who has children. You're a good mother, and God wants you to send me $1,000."

And to my astonishment checks for $1,000 began pouring in from dumb people out there who actually believed that I was speaking directly to them!

But after a while I started to get really greedy, and even $1,000 checks weren't enough for me. and one Sunday afternoon while I was at home watching football and drinking beer, I suddenly came up with yet another genius idea...

I sent a personal handwritten letter to every rich and successful football, basketball, and baseball player out there. And in the letter, I told them that God wanted me to personally ask them to start using their fame not just for "good" but for "God".

I told them that all they had to do was start giving God the credit during their victory speeches so that their fans who looked up to them would know that it was God almighty who had blessed them with their remarkable talents.

Some of these sports star actually wrote back to me, and if they did, I would continue talking with them back and forth about God.

Once I had established a bond with one of these wealthy athletes, I would then hire a private investigator to find out exactly how much money that athlete was making per year, then I would then divide that amount of money by 10, and then in a really bold and shameless move I would actually send them a "bill" for all of the tithing they owed me that year!

As you can probably imagine, doing this would almost always end the relationship that I had with these athletes immediately, but every once in a while, some dumb jock would actually send me a HUGE check and a letter thanking me for helping them find Jesus! LOL

CRUCIFIXION

Just as I was starting to feel immortal, I got pulled over by the police one night for drunk driving. (Which of course isn't good if you are a famous preacher on TV.)

And not only was I drunk when I got pulled over, but I also had cocaine on me, and there were also two prostitutes in my car who I had just hired for the night!

Within 24 hours my arrest was all over the News, and the "ABC" channel got so embarrassed by about it that they immediately canceled my show and my days of being a TV preacher seemed to be over...

RESURRECTION

For the next 3 days I went into hiding and I refused to answer my phone.

I had no idea what to do next, but I knew that if I wanted to keep my mansion and keep living the lifestyle that I had become addicted to, I would need to find a way to somehow keep making millions of dollars off of people.

Then I suddenly thought to myself, "Maybe I could be a TV preacher again." but I quickly told myself that it would be impossible to make a "comeback" after getting exposed the way that I did.

But because I had no shame, I decided that it wouldn't hurt to at least try to get back on the air, so I called up the "B.E.T. Channel" ("Black Entertainment Television") and asked them if they would let me use their channel as a platform for me to host a new preaching show idea of mine. (Even though I had just gotten exposed as a false prophet, and even though I was white.)

The president of B.E.T. was in total shock that I would even dare to ask him something like that, and he asked me, "What makes you think that I would be willing to put the reputation of B.E.T. and the reputation of my ass on the line just to fill an hour of our weekly programming?"

I told him that although it would be controversial, if I made a comeback, it would also mean big ratings for whatever channel brought me back, and he just said, "Shhhhhhiiiittt" with the soul and charisma that even the most charasmatic white guy like myself can only dream of pulling off, and he hung up on me!

But I refused to let a rejection stop me, so I kept calling up different TV stations and kept getting rejected, until I finally found someone who said that they were "interested".

A new TV channel was was in development called "His Word" which was going to be the first ever 24 hour "Christian" TV channel on cable, and because of how desperate they were for content they agreed to go ahead and let me have a weekly one-hour show.

THE YEAR 2000

I made my triumphant television return on January 17th 1999 on the "His Word" channel, and my first show back started with me giving the performance of a lifetime, as I cried fake tears and confessed to the viewers at home that I had sinned greatly in the past and that the Devil had tempted me and taken me down a dark path, but that "Jesus" had personally come to me in a vision and forgave me.

I then asked the viewers at home to please forgive me as well... And then I asked them to let me tell them about how "Jesus" had personally promised me in the vision that he would be coming back to "Earth" in the year 2,000!

The name of my new show was "The Year 2000", and it quickly became the most watched show on the entire channel.

You would think that nobody would have still taken me seriously at that point, but a lot of Christians already suspected that "Jesus" would come back in the year 2,000, and because 2,000 was such a round number, even a lot of atheists back then who weren't normally the superstitious types seemed to believe that something big was going to happen that year. (Like "Y2K" or even "WW3"!)

So it wasn't that hard for me to convince religious people that what I was saying about "Jesus" coming back in the year 2,000 was true, and because it was already 1999 it also wasn't hard for me to convince them that they should just forgive me right away and not dwell too much on any of my past mistakes since the second coming was about to happen, and since we had to hurry up and get ready for it!

For the next year I totally "milked" the whole "Jesus is going to come back in the year 2000" gimmick for all that I could.

But when the year 2,000 finally showed up (and Jesus didn't) it became obvious to everyone that my prophecy was wrong, and as soon as the year 2001 officially began, the president of the "His Word" channel ("Bob Randolf") called me into his office and informed me that he would not be renewing my show "THE YEAR 2000" for another year.

I literally got on my hands and knees and begged him to let me keep the show for just 1 more year, but he just shook his head and said, "You just spent a solid year telling everyone that "Jesus" was going to come back in the year 2,000, and now that it's the year 2,001 and it didn't happen, how could we possibly continue your "THE YEAR 2000" show???"

And although "Bob Randolf" was the most religious person I had ever met, and I had never heard that man say a curse word before, he actually asked me, "What are we are going to do, just film you standing there with your dick in your hand for an hour each week?" and then he fired me.

So I was exposed as a false prophet once again, and kicked off the air for a second time, but just like a video game, I felt that I still had a 3rd life to use...

THE THIRD COMING

Now that I had lost the trust of all but the most gullible of gullible people, I knew that there was only one TV channel left that would dare to give me a show, and that channel was "The Public Access Channel".

For those who don't know, long before "YouTube" existed, a lot of the big cities in the "U.S." had a special cable TV channel known as "The Public Access Channel", which aired nothing but videos that were filmed by people in the local community.

The TV station would let armature filmmakers borrow their cameras and use their editing studio for free, and in exchange the station would get lots of content that they could air which was created by the public and for the public.

And unlike other TV stations, "Public Access" was all about "Freedom of Speech", so no matter how vulgar, hateful, or controversial a person's views were, they would always be allowed to speak their mind on "Public Access" completely uncensored. (Although videos that contained a lot of strong language were typically given late-night timeslots so that children would be less likely to see them.)

I had an hour long show on Sunday mornings, which was completely live, and which consisted of me taking live phone calls from viewers. But it wasn't long before I started to get bombarded with so many prank phone calls that my show had to be moved to midnight due to the vulgar, hateful, and controversial things that would end up getting said.

An internet site used to exist where someone would actually take the time to write out a detailed transcript of the conversations that I had with callers on my "Public Access" show (and they would also insert their own commentary in it to make fun of me) and below is an actual transcript from that site which shows just how bad the prank calls would get on my show...

THE PASTOR OSBORNE PUBLIC ACCESS SHOW

EPISODE 39

OCTOBER 24th 2001

* "Pastore Osborne" opens the show with his usual begging people to send him their money and to call in and share how the Lord has touched their lives, and the phone immediately starts lighting up with calls, so he takes the first call...

1. Pastor Osborne: Hello you're on the air.

Caller: Yeah, I'm just calling to say that I recently accepted "Jesus Christ" as my lord and savior.

Pastor Osborne: Well Hallelujah, I'm happy to hear that!

Caller: Yeah, and I've also been reading the Bible every day, and I've been learning a lot.

Me: Well, you keep on reading it young man, because I can tell you from my own personal experience, that there is no greater "instruction manual" for life than the holy gospel. I mean, I've seen people's lives get completely turned around just because they read the...

Caller: FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!!!

* Pastor Osborne quickly disconnects the caller and said, "Brothers and sisters, I apologize for that rude and obscene caller."

2. Pastor Osborne: OK, next caller.

Caller: Yeah, I just called because I was wanting to know if you could give me some tips on how to look like a fag!

* You could actually hear the cameraman start laughing about the question, and you could also see "Pastor Osborne" look up and give the cameraman the evil eye as he was fumbling with the phone and trying to disconnect the caller.

3. Pastor Osborne: Next caller.

Caller: Yeah, I'm a calling because I'm addicted to porn.

* "Pastor Osborn" slowly reaches for the phone because he knows that it's probably another prank call, but he also knows that it might be someone with a real problem, so he doesn't want to appear "uncaring" by disconnecting the caller right away, but he keeps his hand by the phone so he could end the conversation quickly if it turns out to be another prank.

Pastor Osborn: Well young man, you should know that there are a lot of other young men out there with the exact same problem, and my suggestion is that you pray to God and ask for the strength to overcome it.

Caller: Could you pray for me?

Pator Osborn: Yes I can.

* "Pastor Osborn" closes his eyes and starts to say a prayer for this man on the air, but as he is praying, the caller starts playing the audio of a porno through the phone to make it sound like he is watching a porno, and you can hear a woman porn actress shouting "FUCK ME!!! FUCK ME!!! FUCK ME!!!" loudly!

* As soon as "Pastor Osborn" realizes what is going on, he quickly reaches for the phone when he is still in the middle of the prayer to disconnect the caller, but because his eyes were closed, he accidentally knocked the phone off of his desk and the sound of the woman having sex continues to play loudly.

* "Pastor Osborne" had to get out of his chair and walk around his desk to get to the phone, but the cheap phone got so damaged when it fell that the button he would normally push to end the call is no longer working, and therefore he is unable to end the call, and the sound of the woman having screaming orgasm continues to play!

* Then a woman who worked at "Public Access" came running out to help him just so the embarrassing porno sounds would finally stop, and she was able to disconnect the caller for him.

* As the woman walked away "Pastor Osborne" told her, "Thank you "Rachael"." and then he apologized to the audience at home for another obscene caller.

4. Pastor Osborne: Next caller.

Caller: Yeah, am I on the air?

Pastor Osborne: Yes you are.

Caller: OK, cool, I was just wanting to know if you and that "Rachael" girl have fucked yet?

* The cameraman was so clueless that he actually turned the camera so it was facing "Rachael" (who was standing behind the camera) to capture her reaction to the question, and she got so embarrassed that she covered her face and quickly ran from the camera. Then the cameraman realized that he probably shouldn't have done that, and you could actually hear him say "Oh shit" under his breath, and then he quickly turned the camera back to "Pastor Osborne" and said, "My bad."

* "Pastor Osborn" must really miss having a professional camera crew like the one he had back when he was on "ABC", now that he was having to get some broke college student who was willing to hold the camera for him for $10 a show.

5. Pastor Osborne: Next caller.

Caller: Yeah, thanks for taking my call, douche bag!

*Pastor Osborne disconnects caller and looks frustrated.

6. Pastor Osborne: Next caller.

Caller: Are you Scott Osborne?

Pastor Osborne: Yes, I am.

Caller: OK, well I work for the phone company.

Pastor Osborne: Oh, and how do you like working there?

Caller: Oh, I love it! It offers great pay, great benefits, and a lot of opportunities to move up in the company... But the reason I'm calling you is to inform you that you have an outstanding unpaid phone bill for over $25,000, because you just won't stop calling 1-900-Chicks-With-Dicks!

* Pastor Osborne disconnects caller and tells the viewers that he would never call a number like that.

7. Pastor Osborne: Next caller.

Caller: Yeah, I was just wondering if you can you get that "Rachael" chick to come back out and show us her tits?

* Pastor Osborn disconnects the caller and says that the 1% of the callers out there who are calling in just to raise hell need to repent and give the other 99% of the callers a chance to speak. (Not sure how he kept a straight face when he claimed that only 1% of the callers were just there to fuck with him.)

8. Pastor Osborne: Next caller

Caller: Ugh yeah, I have a Bible question... It says in 1st Corinthians chapter 3 verse 2 that Jacob used all of his money to buy an ass. Now what kind of an ass was it? I mean, was it a white ass, a black ass, a Puerto Rican ass, a...

* Pastor Osborne disconnects the caller and shakes his head in disbelief while asking, "How sheltered must some of you have been as kids to want to call a show like this with a question like that???"

9. Pastor Osborne: Next caller

Caller: I FUCKED YOUR MOM LAST NI..........

* Pastor Osborne disconnects the caller in mid-sentence, and looks ready to snap.

10. Pastor Osborne: Next!

Caller: YOU'RE A PIECE OF SHIT!

* Pastor Osborne tries to disconnect the caller, but the cheap phone is acting up again so he can't end the call, and Linda (who was probably way too embarrassed to be seen on camera again) didn't show up to help him this time.

* The caller kept hurling insults at him, until "Pastor Osborne" finally snapped and just threw the phone against the wall shattering it into multiple pieces.

* Miraculously, the caller was still somehow connected and shouted, "FUCK YOU!" at "Pastor Osborn", who then shouted back, "NO FUCK YOU!!!" at the caller!

* "Pastor Osborne" then stormed off the set, and it appears that this was his show's big "finale", because the following week he didn't come back and a show about some Asian guy playing video games took over the timeslot.
END OF EPISODE 39

I simply couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of dealing with all the prank callers (who were clearly virgins who wanted to take all of their sexual frustrations out on me) and I finally accepted that after 3 deaths it truly was "Game Over" for my preaching career.

CANCER

After years of being a false profit and having sex with countless different women, I finally met a woman named "Pamela" who encouraged me to settle down and become a better man. (A better "con-man" that is!)

She was an amazing "con-woman" who ran a charity that raised millions of dollars a year for "cancer research", and she was keeping half of the money for herself.

She was the woman I had always dreamed of, and together we became "partners in crime".

She secretly moved into my mansion, and I secretly worked behind the scenes of her charity, and once I got involved her charity went from raising around $3 million dollars a year to around $10 million dollars a year, and she was still keeping half of the money for herself, while I was keeping the other half for myself!

Because "Pamela" had such an innocent look and such an honest sounding voice, whenever she made any kind of public appearance to promote her charity nobody questioned her motives, and nobody would have ever guessed that she was in a relationship with me of all people.

OUR SON

Me and "Pamela" eventually had a son named "Max", and when "Max" was 8 years old he started watching pro wrestling with me. He loved the wrestler "Stone Cold Steve Austin" so much that he kept asking me and "Pamela" if he could get his head shaved bald so he could look like "Steve Austin".

At first we said, "No", but then I looked at my son while imagining what he would like like bald headed, and then I imagined what he would look like if he was bald headed and sitting in a wheelchair, and I saw the dollar signs!

I then got a razor and told my son that I would shave his head for him so he could look just like "Steve Austin", but only if he was a good boy and he agreed to sit in a wheelchair and let me take some pictures of him looking sad and holding a sign that said, "Please Help My Mom Find a Cure for Me".

He of course was too young to understand, so he happily agreed, and then "Pamela" went on a big nationwide campaign where she would hold up a poster of her son in a wheelchair and say that she was more determined than ever to find a cure for cancer now that her own son had it. (And sure enough, the amount of money that was being donated to our charity continued to keep getting higher and higher.)

BACKLASH

Everything about our scam was going smoothly, until one day out of nowhere a news van pulled up to the building where our charity was headquartered, and a reporter along with several cameramen got out of the van and entered the building.

The reporter walked right up to the front desk where our secretary "Susan" was sitting, and with the cameras rolling, he pulled out a stack of papers and started going through them while smugly asking "Susan" questions like...

"You want to tell us why this charity of yours wrote off a $120,000 kitchen upgrade as a "charity expense"?"

"Or what about these 10 brand new cars that were purchased in just the past 6 months?"

"Susan" had no idea that "Pamela" was dishonest, or that she had any relationship with me whatsoever, so she was completely unprepared for something like this, and she was so nervous and so unable to mentally process what was happening that she got out of her chair and just said, "Let me go and get "Pamela" for you."

She then started slowly walking down the hall towards "Pamela's" office, but when she realized that the reporter and the camera crew were following her, she started walking faster, and so did they, and it made her so uncomfortable that she quickly walked into a bathroom and locked the door!

Then the reporter started pounding on the bathroom door while shouting, "Why can't answer a few simple questions?"

Then "Pamela" who was in her office and who could hear the commotion, stepped out of her office to see what was going on, and as soon as she saw the reporter she froze like a deer in the headlights.

As soon as the reporter saw her, he put on a big fake smile and told her, "Hi Pamela, we'd really like to talk to you about this wonderful charity of yours." and she quickly ran back into her office and locked herself inside while the reporter pounded on her door yelling, "How come there's no proof that your son was ever even diagnosed with cancer?"

Then the reporter asked her, "So did the great and powerful boyfriend of yours "Scott Osborne" miraculously heal your son of cancer with his God given powers?" (Which meant that they somehow found out that she was dating me.)

The news crew eventually left, and as soon as they did "Pamela" called me to tell me everything that just happened, and neither one of us were sure what to do next.

Because I used to brag about my mansion on TV, it was no secret where I lived, and now that that it was no longer a secret that me and "Pamela" were lovers, I worried that the news crew would show up at the mansion to harass us, so I decided to order some security cameras and install them on the roof.

But once the cameras arrived, I was setting up a ladder so I could climb up to the roof and install them, and a news van suddenly showed up, and a reportr along with several camera men jumped out of the van and started running towards me, so I quickly ran up the ladder to get away from them, and then I pulled the ladder up to the roof so the reporter couldn't climb up with me!

The cameramen surrounded my mansion, and they were all pointing their cameras up to film me, and since I was on the roof there was nowhere for me to really "hide", and therefore, all I could really do was just awkwardly sit on the roof while pretending that I couldn't see or hear the reporter below as he shouted things up to me like...

"So is there anything that you would like to say to all the people out there who you've ripped of over the years?"

and

"HOW CAN YOU LIVE WITH YOURSELF???"

Once the news crew finally left, I climbed back down the ladder, and me and "Pamela" both feared that we were going to be on the news that night. (And that our charity would be finished.)

So we watched the news "religiously" for the next several weeks, but we were never even mentioned on any news programs, so we eventually just went back to work and acted as if nothing happened, as if we had "selective amnesia". And even our secretary "Susan" (who was the most honest person either of us had ever met, and who actually did care about cancer and shit) kept showing up for work and never brought up the incident with the camera crew again, because of how awkward it would be for her to confront "Pamela" over it, and because of how much she didn't want to accept the reality of the situation.

FAMILY REUNION

Because me and "Pamela" lived together in my HUGE mansion, and because we both had a lot of family members, every year we would invite both of our families to come over have a big family reunion on "Christmas" day, and one year we thought that it would be fun to watch the movie "A Christmas Miracle" as a family.

we looked at the TV-Guide and noticed that it was airing on one of the cable channels, so we all gathered in our "TV Room" to watch it. (Which was a large in-home movie theater with a big screen, 200 seats, and even a popcorn and soda dispenser, and all paid for by cancer donations of course.)

But in the middle of the movie, one of "Pamela's" sisters got a call on her cell phone. (I always told "Pamela" that we should have a "turn your cell phones off before the movie starts" rule at our home theater.)

And shortly after she answered her phone she started shouting "WHAT???" and then she turned to her sister "Pamela" and shouted, "QUICK, TURN THE TV TO CHANNEL 8!"

So "Pamela" (who was holding the remote) started to change the channel (I always told "Pamela" that I should be the one holding the remote.)

And when got to Channel 8, it was the TV show "Dateline", and it was airing a huge expose on our fraudulent cancer charity!

"Pamela" panicked as soon as she realized what was going on, and she immediately tried to change the channel to keep the family from finding out about our terrible secret, but she was so nervous that she accidentally hit the wrong button and ended up just turning up the volume instead of changing the channel, and then she clumsily dropped the remote and it broke...

So the giant movie screen was now stuck on the expose about us, and me and "Pamela" could do nothing but just sit there and watch with the rest of the family as "Dateline" exposed the fact that me and "Pamela" had raised millions of dollars to supposedly "find a cure for cancer" and had kept almost every penny of it for ourselves!

During the expose the narrator kept calling us things like, "The Lowest of the Low!" and even "Cockroaches" who would run away as soon as they were spotted. (And they of course aired the footage they captured of me, "Pamela", and our even our secretary "Susan" all running away whenever they tried to talk to us about our charity.)

The narrator of the expose said that if we were a legitimate charity, we would WANT to talk to them about our charity, and that we would welcome any TV exposure that we could get, rather than run away from the cameras in terror. (Which I have to admit was a very good point!)

Then to be humorous, they showed all of the clips of us running away from them again, but this time they played the clips in black and white, and they also inserted scary music to make it look like it was chase scenes from of a horror movie!

Then they started talking about how "Pamela" was dating me, and how I had been exposed years ago as being a fake prophet who was exploiting people for their hard-earned money, and that together we young son who was already following in the family footsteps of ripping people off by pretending to have cancer when he really didn't at only 8 years old!

Then the host said, "Basically, everyone in this family is a total scumbag!" Which made the theater full of family members gasp in shock! (And "Pamela's" grandmother who was sitting next to me actually grabbed her heart and looked like she was going to have a heart attack!)

Once the expose was finished everyone just remained seated in awkward silence for what seemed like an eternity, until one by one everyone slowly started to get up and walk out of the theater until it was just me and "Pamela".

We then had a HUGE fight, and we broke up! She said that because of me her and our son's lives were both totally ruined, and I told her that after being with her for several years I was bored and couldn't wait to start sleeping with different women again!

Then she started packing up her and our son's belongings so they could move out and get as far away from me as possible, and I tried to change her mind by walking up behind her and putting my hands on her shoulders while leaning up to her ear and telling her that if we had sex right there and then it would be the most epic "make-up sex" ever!

But instead of being seduced, she turned around and slapped me so hard that I fell to the floor, and then she got our son, got in her car, and I never saw or even heard from either of them ever again.

SEXUAL DISFUNCTION

When "Pamela" left me, I tried "binging" on prostitutes to forget about her, but for some reason I couldn't get an erection.

During my teenage years I was addicted to pornography, and as a young man I was addicted to the real thing, but then I met "Pamela", and believe it or not I was actually faithful to her for 10 solid years and never slept with anyone else during that time.

"Pamela" was perfect for me, because not only was she physically attractive, but she was also a pathological liar!

There was something so exciting to me about being with someone who I couldn't trust and who couldn't trust me either, and she helped me to become a better liar.

Before I met "Pamela" I would lie to take advantage of people or to get out of trouble, but once I started dating "Pamela" I started to lie just to lie.

If "Pamela" was at work and she called to ask me what I ate for breakfast, I would tell her that I ate "bacon and eggs" even though I really ate pancakes, just to lie to her.

And not only did I lie to her more than I ever lied to any other woman, but she was also the only woman who I was ever completely honest with as well. Because although we would lie to each other about trivial everyday things, whenever one of us would come up with a new and exciting way to rip off other people, we would suddenly stop lying to each other and put our deceptive minds together in order to deceive everyone else.

It was kind of like the famous "Cease Fire" between the "German" and "American" armies on "Christmas" morning in 1914, when both armies decided to temporarily stop fighting so they could celebrate "Christmas" together, and then once "Christmas" was over they went right back to fighting each other.

So the fact that I had so much sexual stimulation in my youth, combined with the fact that I had just spent a decade in a monogamous relationship with someone who I knew that I would never be able to replace, caused me to develop a serious case of "erectile dysfunction" when I tried to go back to having the kind of casual "no strings attached" sex that I had in my youth.

VIAGRA

I tried to fix my problem by going to the drug store and purchasing some Viagra, but it did nothing for me. So I doubled the dose, and then tripled the dose, but it was still doing nothing for me.

I kept taking the Viagra until the bottle was empty, then I went out and bought some more, but this time I tried a different brand, and I also decided to try taking the whole bottle all at once, and I ended up getting an erection that wouldn't go away!

There was a warning on the bottle that said to seek immediate medical attention if the erection lasted for more than 4 hours straight, so I called 911 and was rushed to the emergency room.

A lot of people would be super embarrassed to go to the emergency room over something like this, but I didn't feel any shame whatsoever, and I also didn't get embarrassed when the doctor finally entered the room, and it was a beautiful female doctor.

Before she attempted to help me, she mentioned to me that there were some young medical students in the building that day who were there to learn by watching some actual medical procedures in person, and she asked me if I would be OK with them watching.

Because I had no shame, and because I wanted her to like me, I agreed, and she got on the intercom and paged the medical students to come to room 315, and then a group of about 30 young college students started walking into the room and were noticeably shocked to discover that instead of watching someone have a kidney operation or something like that, they were going to watch a man who had overdosed on Viagra and who had an erection that wouldn't go away.

Some of the students looked really embarrassed, while others were struggling not to laugh, and I remained shameless and kind of proud to be in a room full of people who were gawking and staring at my erection.

The doctor asked me if this was the first time that something like this had ever happened to me, and because I wanted to impress her (and because there were a lot of pretty young college girls in the room who I also wanted to impress) I lied and said, "No." and then I tried to brag by telling her and the class, "You know, sometimes I will get an erection like this that lasts for several hours at a time, and sometimes it can just happen out of nowhere, and it's as if it has a mind of its own."

She then told me, "It sounds like you may have what is known as "Stuttering Erectile Dysfunction"." all all of the students burst out laughing.

She then politely reminded the students that they weren't in the 5th grade anymore, and that erectile dysfunction was a serious problem that many of them would be personally affected by someday, and that when erections come and go sporadically it is actually referred to medically as "stuttering" erections.

She then put on some rubber gloves and grabbed my penis with one hand, while grabbing a spray bottle with her other hand, and then she sprayed my penis with a fluid that felt extremely cold, and as soon as she did it my erect penis slowly started to go limp, and as it shrank all of the students slowly started to clap and cheer!

The students then left the room, and once they were gone (and once the sound of them laughing in the hallway had quieted down) I thanked the doctor and explained to her that I had been "experimenting" with Viagra, and I told her how the first brand that I tried did absolutely nothing for me, but then I tried a different brand, and it worked a little too well.

And what she said next got me even more sexually excited than the Viagra did...

She told me, "That's why you really shouldn't take Viagra without a doctor's prescription, because a lot of the generic brands of Viagra out there are counterfeit."

I then thought to myself, "Counterfeit Viagra???"

I had always dreamed of being able to counterfeit money, but the idea of counterfeiting sex enhancing drugs and then selling them to the masses (or as I liked to call them "the asses") sounded like an even bigger thrill to me!

I knew that the "sex industry" was one of the most profitable industries out there, and I also imagined that it was the one industry where someone as "sleazy" as me could still make a fortune.

As soon as I got home, I did some research, and I discovered that ANYONE could start a supplement company, and that supplements didn't even have to be approved by the F.D.A. at the time.

So I started my own generic brand of Viagra, and to increase the sells I claimed that not only would it give you an erection but that it would also increase the size of your penis.

I also invested a lot of money into producing infomercials for my product, which would air at 3:00AM on various cable TV stations, and I even hired a bunch of unknown struggling actors to pretend that they took my supplement and had amazing results.

I paid a young man to say that after taking my product for just one week his penis grew a full inch longer, and that after taking it for a month he couldn't even go out in public anymore without women staring at the huge bulge in his pants!

Then I paid an old man who was in his 90's to say that him and his wife were living in a nursing home, they both had to use walkers to get around, and that they hadn't had sex in over 20 years. But then he took some of my Viagra and his sex-drive went back to what it was when he was in his 20's. So him and his wife started to have sex again, and not only that, but they also stopped having to use their walkers, and nowadays when they aren't having sex, they can be found traveling the world and eating at expensive restaurants!

It was all so sleazy, but luckily there were so many men out there who WANTED to believe in a product like this that it sold like crazy. And because these men were insecure about the size of their penis, I felt confident that none of them would ever dare to come forward and say that they bought my product, and it didn't work for them. (And even if they did, the only way they could actually prove it was if they had some kind of "before" and "after" photos that they were willing to share.) So I had found the perfect scam!

DEATHBED

One day while I was at home, I had a massive heart attack in my bathroom, and was rushed to the hospital! (And I would have died if it wasn't for the fact that I had so little shame that I actually had a "bathroom attendant" at my mansion who I would pay to make small talk with me whenever I was using the bathroom, and luckily, he was with me when I had my heart attack and he called 911 for me.)

The doctors were able to save me, but they also informed me that I had a very rare form of cancer, and that I would die from it within 6 months unless a cure wasn't found. (And since I knew that "finding a cure for cancer" was one big fraud, I took it as a "death sentence".)

As I laid there in a hospital bed knowing that my life was life was going to end soon, my life suddenly flashed before my eyes and I thought to myself that I had lived a totally dishonest life, and that I certainly didn't deserve to go to "Heaven" if it existed.

I had lied, cheated, and manipulated my way through life, and I had sinned greatly.

But if I had the chance to live my life all over again, would I choose to live a more honest and moral life instead?"

HELL NO!!!"

I can't help it... I have an insatiable appetite for money, power, and sex, and I wouldn't have been able to experience these three things anywhere near as much as I did during my lifetime if I hadn't been so shameless.

Maybe if I hadn't lied to that naive woman, I met in a club way back in my youth about being a preacher, and maybe if I had told her the truth (that I was just a grocery store clerk making minimum wage) she would have rejected me, and maybe every woman I met after her would have rejected me as well, and maybe I would still be a virgin.

I then thought to myself, "Oh my God, even though I'm not ashamed of ANYTHING that I've ever done in my life, even I would be embarrassed if I was still a virgin!" I then cringed for the first time ever at the thought of still being a virgin, and then I had an out of body experience where I imagined that I was raised by super religious parents and never even had a girlfriend, and it was making me cringe so much that my heart tensed up and I had a heart attack and died!

I then snapped out of the vision and was grateful to still be young and have my whole life ahead of me, and although I can't condone the way this "Scott Osborne" character lived, learning about his life made me think that maybe I needed to be a bit less shy and a bit bolder if I were to ever have any kind of an experience with a woman before I died...



15.
"THE PROSTITUTE"

When I was 30 years old, I still had never had a girlfriend before, and everyone could tell that I was a virgin just by looking at me.

Any time I would start a new job somewhere, within a week of working there one of my co-workers would come up to me and say, "Can I ask you a personal question?" and I already knew that they were going to ask me, "Are you a virgin?"

Whenever someone would ask me if I was a virgin, I would just respond by saying things like, "I would rather not discuss my personal love life at work." but it would just make it more obvious (and a lot funnier) to people that I was still a virgin.

And because of the serious lack of "human touch" in my life, I developed an inability to accept any kind of touch from people (like hugs, handshakes, and pats on the back) without getting all jumpy and weirded out about it, and this problem continued to get worse and worse the longer I remained a virgin.

I dreamed of someday meeting a nice girl, but it felt completely unrealistic to me, because I suffered from "Social Anxiety Disorder" and I spent all my free time alone. So I eventually came to the conclusion that the only way that I could ever have an experience with a woman, would be if I paid for it by hiring the services of a prostitute.

Then one day I found a flyer on the ground for an "escort service" in my city, and while browsing though it I found a picture of a red headed female escort who was stunningly beautiful and who I instantly felt was "the one" for me.

It said that she charged $800 an hour, but I had the money, and I felt that it would be a small price to pay to finally have this experience that everyone talked so much about (and to have it with someone who looked like a super model) so I decided to go for it!

I spent the next few days writing a "script" for when I called her.

I made up a fake name, a fake job, and fake hobbies that I thought would impress her, and because people would always tell me that I looked really young for my age, I decided that I would tell her that I had just turned 18. (That way if it was obvious to her that I was still a virgin and that I had no clue what I was doing, it would be less laughable to her than it would be if she knew how old I actually was.)

After lots of rehearsing, I finally picked up the phone and called her number...

The phone rang 4 times, and then she answered...

"Hello"

I was so intimidated by the sound of her voice that I almost just hung up the phone, but I managed to take a deep breath and in the most masculine sounding voice that I conjure up I said, "Hello" back to her.

But I guess that I tried a little too hard, because after I said it there was an awkward silence that seemed to last for eternity until she finally broke it by asking, "Are you calling to make an appointment?"

I then looked down at the script that I had written and started to panic, because even though I had spent days writing down different things that I could talk to her about, I actually wasn't expecting a question like that, so I had no pre-written response. (Which meant that I was going to have to answer it completely off the top of my head.) But my mind went completely blank, and I got so nervous that I started stuttering out of control, and she ended up just hanging up on me.

"I knew I would mess it all up!" I thought to myself as I hung up the phone.

I was way too uncomfortable to try calling her back after that, so I gave up and started to walk away from the phone, but then it rang...

Keep in mind that this was back when "Caller I.D." had just come out, and almost nobody had it yet, so it didn't even cross my mind that it could be her calling me back.

So I picked up the phone to see who it was and said, "Hello". (But this time when I said "Hello" I said it in my real voice which is very shy and soft spoken, and not very "masculine" sounding at all.)

It was the prostitute calling me back, but because I had answered with my real voice this time, she thought that I was a woman (and she probably thought that I was the girlfriend or wife of the nervous man who had just tried to call her) so she got just as nervous as me and said, "Oh... I'm sorry I must have the wrong number." and she quickly hung up.

I immediately tried to call her back, but she wouldn't answer, because she thought that it was going to be a jealous woman demanding to know why she was talking to her man.

I waited and waited by the phone hoping that she would call back, and when it finally rang again the next day, I picked up the phone and answered it in my artificial "masculine" sounding voice again, and sure enough it was her, and she nervously whispered, "Is now an OK time to talk?"

And because we were both so nervous, I decided to just go ahead and tell her the truth...

I confessed to her that I had tried to call her the day before, but that I was really shy and nervous because I was still a virgin.

She then became very sympathetic and told me that there was nothing wrong with being a virgin, and when she told me that I suddenly felt an incredible feeling of calm come over me, because it was the first time that I had ever openly admitted to someone that I was a virgin, and it was also the first time that someone didn't laugh and make fun of me for it.

We continued talking, and as the conversation went on, I started to really loosen up and get excited that this was actually going to happen, and we agreed to make an appointment!

She asked me where I lived, and when I told her the apartment complex that I lived at she asked, "Are you serious???" and then she said, "Oh wow, I know where that's at, and I actually live really close to you, so I guess that I could be there in half an hour if you'd like." and I immediately shouted in horror, "HALF AN HOUR???"

I then looked around my apartment and saw a million reasons why there was no way that I was going to be ready to have a beautiful woman come over to my apartment in only half an hour. (I mean, I had to clean my apartment, I had to figure out what I was going to wear, I needed a haircut, etc, etc, etc...)

So I apologized to her for freaking out, and explained to her that half an hour was just a little too soon for me to be ready to finally have this experience for the first time. So she said, "Oh... OK... Well... I could come over later this afternoon if you'd like."

But "later this afternoon" didn't really sound any more realistic nor any less scary to me, so I told her that later this afternoon was still way too soon for me to be ready for this, and then I asked her if it would be possible for us to plan on meeting a few months in advance...

There was then a really long awkward silence, and then she started to laugh, and she told me, "It sounds like you're never going to be ready for something like this!"

I wasn't sure what to say, so I said nothing, and then after another long and awkward period of silence she said, "I'll tell you what, you have my number, so why don't you call me back whenever you do feel ready, OK Babe?"

So I told her that sounded good, then she said "Good-bye", then I said "Good-bye", and then I put the phone down and started dancing for joy!

"She called me "Babe"!" I thought to myself. (No woman had ever called me anything like that before, so it was an incredible natural high for me!) And I was actually going to meet her..."someday"...when I was ready...

But several months went by, and I never did call her back, because she was right about me. (I was never going to be ready for something like that.)

I would often tell myself that I wanted a girlfriend, but deep down I knew that in order for me to even talk to a girl I would have to step so far out of my "comfort zone" that I would rather just stay single.

I later learned that there was a word for people who would rather stay single than be in a relationship, and it was then that I realized that I wasn't a "heterosexual" or a "homosexual", but rather I was an "asexual", and once I accepted this my sex drive basically disappeared.

Some would see losing your sex drive as a big problem, but I actually found it to be liberating!

Instead of thinking about sex every 6 seconds like the average man does, I was actually able to concentrate, and because I was no longer religious, I started to wonder about how life and the universe might have really begun, and I fell in love with the feeling of wonder that can only be experienced when you can admit that you don't know everything and that everything is a mystery.

And since I was always into health (because I didn't want to end up in a nursing home and go through the awkwardness of having someone have to help me change my clothes, bathe, or go to the bathroom) I put together a website where I shared health tips that I had learned over the years (because I didn't want others to end up in a nursing home and go through the awkwardness of having someone have to help them change their clothes, bathe, or go to the bathroom) and I actually started getting e-mails from people all over the world saying that I inspired them to eat better and exercise!

Once I started to get these e-mails, I actually started to feel that I had found my "purpose" in life, and although I may not have gone on a "mission" for the church, I was definitely on a "mission", and it was "embarrassment" that guided me down this awkward path.


ME AS A CHILD

(I wouldn't recommend raising a child in as sheltered of an environment as I was raised in, but at the same time, I wouldn't trade the way I was raised for anything.)



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